Ego Massage Parlour

I come from a place where we smell money making opportunities from miles away. Like any other Layman from my community, I am always on the prowl for business ideas. I have noticed that the flesh business in the form of strip clubs and massage parlours is thriving especially in Nairobi, and also in other big towns around the country. I however cannot venture into such business due to my beliefs and principles.

Due to this setback, I tried to look for something else that I can massage without getting into conflict with my conscience. After much research, digging, and plain observation, I realised there is one thing we don’t have a shortage of in this country. We are endowed with people (particularly Leaders) who have King sized Egos. Those who discovered this earlier are now filthy rich. And all they had to do was to sing a few praises, carry some brief cases, take a few jabs, and generally become indispensable minions.

Hate Files

It appears that for one to survive Kenyan politics, he has to have a regularly updated hate file. In this file, he keeps the details of those who he “should” currently hate. Details here include such information such as names, nick names, childhood secrets, and pass port photos of skeletons in their closets. It is from this file that massage material can be gleaned whenever needed.

Acting Last Born

Of late, I have been hearing about an interesting concept. Apparently, in Africa, a child is only Last Born in an acting capacity. Being last born is a loosely held position and consequently, most of us cannot remember how it felt to be last born owing to the shortness of the duration. Senior Politicians in Kenya are constantly adopting green horns into their camps. These political lastborns are the masseuses who massage the elders’ egos until they develop egos of their own. When that happens, it is time to adopt a new acting last born.

Melodrama to Mellow Drama

It is said that there is no such thing as bad publicity. If a politician calls another one a mole, it draws our collective attention to both the supposed mole and the mole ‘exposer’. This mole exposé will be on our airwaves for some time. When the initial impetus starts to die down, the mole forgives his ‘exposer’ and it gets us excited again. This whole ego massage charade ends with the ‘exposer’ proving himself to be the biggest mole of all by appearing in public with the head potato farmer. All the melodrama mellows down and everybody is happy.

Meat Wrappers

The meat wrappers association of Kenya represent the folly of failing to effectively massage the egos of those who need the massage services. If you have a meat wrapper business license, you need to confirm whose logo is on that license. If you like, you can call it knowing which side of your bread is buttered.

Banana Wages

Before you can have an ego that has developed enough muscles to require regular massages, you need to have a full stomach. By full I don’t mean the protruding malnourished kind. I am talking about a stomach that has been fed on the finer things in life. If you are the kind that thinks caviar is a fast food sold in a sachet, then rest assured I am not talking about you. If after doing back breaking work for 30 days you are paid in bananas, am obviously not referring to you. The person who needs an Ego massage has to have been in senior management in his 20s. The rest of you can eat your banana wages for supper and take your market-less sugar cane juice for dessert and go to bed.

Investigations are Ongoing

I have come to learn that there is more swag factor for ongoing but incomplete things. I hear it is easier for a person who is “currently doing his masters” to be considered for a job than one with 3 complete PhDs. I am also told that an ongoing investigation is one of the best forms of massage for those with worthwhile egos.

P.S. For the record; I don’t aspire to have an ego worthy of a massage either now or in the foreseeable future.