I woke up
with a start at the sudden outburst of mirth filled laughter by my class mates.
When I noticed that all of them were looking at me, I wondered what I had done
in my sleep. My desk mate was gracious enough to inform me, through his tears
of laughter, that I had just farted. He also gave me all the gory details of my
‘award winning’ fart. It was one of those high pitched, long drawn out farts.
Its loud hooting sound was farther enhanced by my posture – I was bent over my
desk and the fact that we then sat on stools and thus there was no back rest to
provide any resistance.
I was then a
form one student and it was my first time in boarding school. As embarrassing as
it was, believe it or not, it happened again in exactly the same way a few days
later. I had been ushered into the harsh world of public farting where
everybody laughs at you without any regard to your emotional wellbeing. I have
since then been informed that I sometimes break wind in my sleep causing
obvious discomfort to my roommates. It is one of the reasons that am only
comfortable sleeping in the same room as my wife. It is also the reason I don’t
fancy sleep overs where I have to share a mattress with four or five relatives.
Taboo Subject
Farting is
considered a taboo subject by many people. Even the word fart is considered
vulgar and often used as a form of insult. I had thought of using the more
polite term of ‘Flatulence’ but nobody would have known what I was talking
about. When we were growing up, we believed grown-ups did not fart. In the rare
instances when an adult ‘unleashed’ in the presence of children, he or she
would tell the children that it was their joints that had creaked. Laughing in
such a case used to attract some memorable punishments.
The Mechanics of a Fart
Farting is
the releasing of gases from the tail end of the gut or digestive tract. The
gases vary in composition and subsequently, the smell. The gases are mostly a by-product
of the metabolism of food. They are then quite smelly and unpleasant. They
could also be comprised of trapped air ingested during eating in which case, they
can go undetected by smell unless they depart noisily.
Musical (or Noisy) Qualities of a
Fart
Inasmuch as
some farts are quite silent, many are noisy in nature. The kind of sound they
produce range from loud and high-pitched hooting sound (like my memorable one
above), to low-toned rumbling ones. The type of sound and volume largely
depends on the unique physiological features of the farter’s behind. They also
depend, to a smaller extent, on sitting (or standing) posture.
Obvious Relief
Just like with
any other form of bodily waste, farts have to leave the body at some point.
Delaying this crucial biological process can lead to severe discomfort. If this
delay is continued beyond a certain point (which varies depending on individual
capacity), some more serious issues can occur such as the gases going back up
the gut into the stomach and attempting to leave through the mouth.
The Anti-Social Elements of Farting
Releasing a
fart when it is imminent does not give you the right to do it in such public
but congested places as buses or lifts (elevators). In those instances, it
would be a good idea to hold it in briefly and release it either in the open
away from other people, or in a toilet. If you fart in public, and it is not loud
enough to identify you as the ‘farter’, you make those present suspicious of
each other. You also spoil their mood and they are bound to be angry at their
spouses and children when they go home in the evening. So, next time you think
of unleashing, think about the next person.
P.S. The CEO of Kenya Film
Classification Board has the moral standards of a cyborg. Does he fart? Is he
even human? Just wondering.
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