Of Meat Eaters and Saliva Swallowers

A former hairdresser moved swiftly from swallowing saliva to eating real meat. In a remarkably short time, she moved from scrapping dandruff off people’s scalps, to withdrawing a hundred million shillings in a single day. Her account grew from a balance of less than a thousand shillings to more than a billion in a shorter time than it takes to say “Kabura!” I can’t imagine how she moved from being a modest ‘hustler’ with gentle calls of “Auntie kuja nikushuke” from her humble shack, to possessing the poise of a monarch as she takes agitated MPs round in circles with largely unanswered questions.

Story of King of the Jungle

The Lion is the undisputed King of the Jungle. When a male lion comes of age, he approaches a pride whose patriarch is getting old and weak. He challenges him to a fight and if the older lion loses, he leaves the pride to the younger one. The new king can now sit in the shade as the lionesses hunt for him. He eats first which means he gets the juiciest and tastiest parts of the kill even before the kids can eat. He also mates with all the females in the pride without competition from anyone, yet.

As the King Lion grows older, the same fate awaits him as that which befell his predecessor. He therefore has to enjoy his dominion (while it lasts). Once he is out, he will not survive for long. He will either die of hunger (because he never learnt how to hunt), or be killed by scavengers such as hyenas and jackals, or even some of his former prey such as a sharp-horned buffalo. This is the pitiful fate that awaits most of the feared predatory carnivores.

A Government of Carnivores

None other than our own president likened holding the government to partaking of a meat-eating feast while the opposition (and the rest of Kenyans) drooled saliva from the peripheries. The president is the King and he has his lionesses hunting and bringing him the kill. He is then able to put his maned head into the fresh carcass and extract the invaluable fillet. He proceeds to munch contentedly as his blood-smeared whiskers glisten in the hot sahara sun. He will be sounding deep-based warning rumbles lest any of the onlookers forget who is King. These onlookers (us) will swallow the saliva flooding their mouths as they envision the bliss they will enjoy the day their turn to eat arrives.

Belling the Cat

The story is told of how a long time ago, a colony of rats roamed free and enjoyed their lives to the fullest. It is said that the owner of that particular territory decided that enough is enough. He entailed the services of a cat who would go out every day and catch a rat or two and eat to his fullest. The rats were devastated. Their numbers were dwindling and they realised that theirs was an endangered species judging by the rate the cat was eating them up.

The rats convened a meeting during which they discussed ways of overcoming the cat. They observed that the cat had one advantage over them; stealth. They had discovered that however much they tried to be prepared by the time the cat came, he always caught them off-guard. After a lot of excited discussion, the rats came up with what they concluded was a fool-proof plan to evade all future feline attacks. They would fit a loud bell on the cat’s neck which would gong loudly and warn them of his approach. One small rat interrupted the celebratory ululations by reminding them, amid severe resistance, that it was practically impossible for a rat to approach a breathing cat and hang a bell on its neck. That, as they say, was that and the cat continued enjoying rat dinner for the rest of its nine short lives.

Vegetarians (not) By Choice

A lot of Kenyans have become vegetarians in recent years. They did not willingly adopt the vegetarian lifestyle. Rather, it is the vegetarian life that chose them without giving them too much of a choice. These Kenyans have come to discover, appreciate, and even love, various green vegetables that have always grown undisturbed all around them. They are vegetarian for the simple reason that they can’t afford meat – at least not daily or even weekly.

Even Matumbo is Meat

There is a saying from my community which states that even matumbo (tripes) is meat. A former colleague used to tell us that this was not true. He used to say that this is a cheap justification by poor people to try and prove that they are doing well in life. He explained using an observation of vehicles used to transport meat in the country. These vehicles usually have a large container in which the meat is carried. A smaller container is attached to its side in which the matumbo is placed. He would ask a simple question. “If matumbo was meat, why was it not placed in the big box with the rest of the meat?” I have to say he had a point.

Moral of the Stories

It has always been said that there are two main tribes in Kenya. The haves and the have nots. Our President put it in perspective when he said that there are those eating meat and those swallowing saliva (ostensibly because they have no meat to eat). In the words of one John Githongo (title of his book), the ruling class is saying, “It’s Our Turn to Eat”. It is therefore obvious that there is a lot of eating going on in the country. On the flipside, there is also a lot of saliva swallowing. Just a reminder to the current carnivores among us; The King Lion will soon lose his pride to a younger Lion with more libido. His cubs will also get killed to ensure his lineage is curtailed. Vegetarians and Matumbo eaters will soon graduate to eating real meat. The cat will die in his own time.