Here Quack, There Quack, Everywhere Quack, Quack!

Old MacDonald had a farm, E I E I O,
And on his farm he had a duck, E I E I O.
With a quack quack here and a quack quack there,
Here a quack, there a quack, ev'rywhere a quack quack.
Old MacDonald had a farm, E I E I O.

I used to love this song when I was in nursery school. I particularly liked this duck part because it was the only one whose sound I could associate with the actual animal that made it. I didn’t believe the mzungu version that pigs say “oink oink”. Quack was a straight forward sound which was pronounced the same way it was spelled. It was an innocent word whose other meaning I never got to know until I was all grown up.

The Noble Profession
In the 80s when I was a small boy, there were no private medical practitioners especially in the rural areas where I grew up. We always went to public health centres where we were assured that all staff working there were properly trained and vetted.
We were always ready to queue all day to be attended to. We would withstand the pungent smell of spirit which would be an assurance that germs had no place there. The reusable syringes were extra thick and I have never recovered from the trauma they caused me. They would be placed in a sufuria on a stove on one side of what would be the equivalent of the triage in a modern hospital. Despite the fear of pain and awe of the serious faces of doctors and nurses, everyone had confidence in all members of the noble profession.


Amazing Gullibility
In recent years, probably owing to the need for speedy service, Kenyans are opting to go to small private clinics for medical care. Higher incomes means the small fees charged in such establishments is often no hindrance. While it is understandable that convenience is worth paying for, it begs reason why people would trust someone whose qualifications and credentials are in serious question.

In Come the Quacks
Quack Doctors have put up shop in almost every town in the country. Listening to the ongoing debacle about “Doctor” Mugo Wa Wairimu, I was amazed to learn how easy it is to operate a “Specialist” Clinic in this country. The man has put up big signs outside his clinics in highly populated residential estates in Nairobi. He even distributes fliers in public places to advertise his “services”. In all this time, no person in the authorities has verified his suitability to conduct such a sensitive business.

The Love of Money
The bible describes the love of money as the root of all evil. This has led to many “professionals” setting up their operations because it is apparently an easy way to make lots of money. I have heard of quack general practitioners, quack dentists, and even quack circumcisers. A quack gynaecologist however, was very shocking for me and I’m sure it is for a lot of Kenyans. It is scary to even think about it especially considering how vulnerable a woman is to her gynaecologist.

Fringe Benefits
Many people join their chosen professions not just for the basic pay, but also for the fringe benefits. But to think of a quack who thinks the fringe benefits of being a gynaecologist is to rape sedated and helpless patients makes me cringe to the pit of my stomach.

Taking Advantage of Poverty/Need/Ignorance
Quacks take advantage of the shortage of real doctors, and the prohibitive costs associated with seeing one. This particular quack enticed unsuspecting women by offering free services and those women who could not afford specialist gynaecologists were easily taken in. The rest was easy for him because he only had to give a few sleeping pills and move on with his agenda. People are also ignorant as to what they should consider red flags in a quack and this makes them easy prey.

Sleeping on the Job
I can’t decide whether the people who were supposed to arrest the quack were unaware of his activities, or were just paid to keep away. Whichever the case, it shows that the citizens of this country have been left to fend for themselves. They have to waddle around wondering which quack is from a real duck and which is just masquerading as one.