A Land of Bright Darkness

Africa used to be referred to as the Dark Continent. However, probably owing to a growing sense of political correctness, this tag was dropped. I had heard that the darkness was apparent from satellite pictures taken at night. They displayed a shadowy patch where the Continent is supposed to be because electrification of the continent is rather sparse resulting in the darkness.

Hatred Galore

News from Africa is filled with stories about how people hate so much that they even kill each other on flimsy reasons. The hatred is not veiled. It is expressed in the strongest terms possible. Everybody from religious leaders to politicians take any opportunity to express their hatred for one or other individual or group. It is this free display of hatred that has made people liken the President elect of the US to an African. Comedian Trevor Noah, on his Daily Show during the campaigns, stated that if Donald Trump was elected President, he would be the first truly African President of America.

Unfettered Greed

It is probably only in Africa that public funds can be diverted to a few people’s pockets. It is a level of greed that sounds unreal by its sheer magnitude. It has led to the collapse of entire countries’ economies. It has forced those countries that send aid to Africa to implement projects directly due to painful past experiences with diverted funds.

Corruption

Every time I type the word corruption, I always hope I won’t have to do it ever again. I have however come to accept that I will be writing about it for a long time to come. Nepotism, cronyism, sycophancy and other such vices have found a comfortable home in Africa. Policies on paper fill volumes in various archives. Off the cuff policies rule and are determined by immediate potential benefit to the one calling the shots.

Tribalism

It is surprising to know that there are only a few distinct language groups in Africa. It is more surprising that most people can pick some familiar words from those who are of different communities from them. It is most surprising that these people, who understand each other’s languages and customs, are willing to kill just because of some subtle differences between them. They are also willing to shout from the highest places about why theirs is the superior community in various aspects.

Intolerance

I recently heard a street preacher talking on a loud public address system on Tom Mboya Street in Nairobi. He was saying how he has been with people from other East African countries and how he could safely conclude that Kenyans are the most intelligent of all the people in the region. Judging by the way the congregation was cheering, it was possible to tell that he was speaking for a lot of them. He was preaching intolerance in the name of God.

Lost Heritage

Colonisation was intended to make us do away with our values and adopt those of the Europeans. It was designed in a clever way to portray the new way as better than ours. This conditioning worked extremely well, maybe even better than the colonisers envisioned. All the vices mentioned above did not exist in Africa before the white man showed up. Africans however took them up with gusto and perfected them. This left us without a heritage to call our own, and an alien culture which we copied shoddily.

Inexplicable Bliss

Africa is a place where one finds happy people whose infectious joy appears inexplicable. There is contentment with the measly little available. There is a strange love for political leaders who seem to get worse in the kind of evil scheme they can dream up. Families keep together and support each other with needs such as accommodation, food, and education. Black sheep are kept in the fold and no matter what they get themselves into, they always have a home to return to.

Smiles in the Most Unlikely Places

Driving through the perpetually muddy tracks of Kibera slums in Nairobi, you are met with beaming faces and sweet smiles. The wobbly grocery-laden tables are patiently dragged off the road to let you pass and seamlessly placed back as you move on. Beholding the smiles amid the glaring poverty leaves me wondering, “What are they so happy about?” Then I tell myself, “This is Africa, a land where the darkness is so bright you don’t need light.”

Of Meat Eaters and Saliva Swallowers

A former hairdresser moved swiftly from swallowing saliva to eating real meat. In a remarkably short time, she moved from scrapping dandruff off people’s scalps, to withdrawing a hundred million shillings in a single day. Her account grew from a balance of less than a thousand shillings to more than a billion in a shorter time than it takes to say “Kabura!” I can’t imagine how she moved from being a modest ‘hustler’ with gentle calls of “Auntie kuja nikushuke” from her humble shack, to possessing the poise of a monarch as she takes agitated MPs round in circles with largely unanswered questions.

Story of King of the Jungle

The Lion is the undisputed King of the Jungle. When a male lion comes of age, he approaches a pride whose patriarch is getting old and weak. He challenges him to a fight and if the older lion loses, he leaves the pride to the younger one. The new king can now sit in the shade as the lionesses hunt for him. He eats first which means he gets the juiciest and tastiest parts of the kill even before the kids can eat. He also mates with all the females in the pride without competition from anyone, yet.

As the King Lion grows older, the same fate awaits him as that which befell his predecessor. He therefore has to enjoy his dominion (while it lasts). Once he is out, he will not survive for long. He will either die of hunger (because he never learnt how to hunt), or be killed by scavengers such as hyenas and jackals, or even some of his former prey such as a sharp-horned buffalo. This is the pitiful fate that awaits most of the feared predatory carnivores.

A Government of Carnivores

None other than our own president likened holding the government to partaking of a meat-eating feast while the opposition (and the rest of Kenyans) drooled saliva from the peripheries. The president is the King and he has his lionesses hunting and bringing him the kill. He is then able to put his maned head into the fresh carcass and extract the invaluable fillet. He proceeds to munch contentedly as his blood-smeared whiskers glisten in the hot sahara sun. He will be sounding deep-based warning rumbles lest any of the onlookers forget who is King. These onlookers (us) will swallow the saliva flooding their mouths as they envision the bliss they will enjoy the day their turn to eat arrives.

Belling the Cat

The story is told of how a long time ago, a colony of rats roamed free and enjoyed their lives to the fullest. It is said that the owner of that particular territory decided that enough is enough. He entailed the services of a cat who would go out every day and catch a rat or two and eat to his fullest. The rats were devastated. Their numbers were dwindling and they realised that theirs was an endangered species judging by the rate the cat was eating them up.

The rats convened a meeting during which they discussed ways of overcoming the cat. They observed that the cat had one advantage over them; stealth. They had discovered that however much they tried to be prepared by the time the cat came, he always caught them off-guard. After a lot of excited discussion, the rats came up with what they concluded was a fool-proof plan to evade all future feline attacks. They would fit a loud bell on the cat’s neck which would gong loudly and warn them of his approach. One small rat interrupted the celebratory ululations by reminding them, amid severe resistance, that it was practically impossible for a rat to approach a breathing cat and hang a bell on its neck. That, as they say, was that and the cat continued enjoying rat dinner for the rest of its nine short lives.

Vegetarians (not) By Choice

A lot of Kenyans have become vegetarians in recent years. They did not willingly adopt the vegetarian lifestyle. Rather, it is the vegetarian life that chose them without giving them too much of a choice. These Kenyans have come to discover, appreciate, and even love, various green vegetables that have always grown undisturbed all around them. They are vegetarian for the simple reason that they can’t afford meat – at least not daily or even weekly.

Even Matumbo is Meat

There is a saying from my community which states that even matumbo (tripes) is meat. A former colleague used to tell us that this was not true. He used to say that this is a cheap justification by poor people to try and prove that they are doing well in life. He explained using an observation of vehicles used to transport meat in the country. These vehicles usually have a large container in which the meat is carried. A smaller container is attached to its side in which the matumbo is placed. He would ask a simple question. “If matumbo was meat, why was it not placed in the big box with the rest of the meat?” I have to say he had a point.

Moral of the Stories

It has always been said that there are two main tribes in Kenya. The haves and the have nots. Our President put it in perspective when he said that there are those eating meat and those swallowing saliva (ostensibly because they have no meat to eat). In the words of one John Githongo (title of his book), the ruling class is saying, “It’s Our Turn to Eat”. It is therefore obvious that there is a lot of eating going on in the country. On the flipside, there is also a lot of saliva swallowing. Just a reminder to the current carnivores among us; The King Lion will soon lose his pride to a younger Lion with more libido. His cubs will also get killed to ensure his lineage is curtailed. Vegetarians and Matumbo eaters will soon graduate to eating real meat. The cat will die in his own time.

SGR

Silver Spoons

I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. This was just a popular sitcom that we used to watch on our wooden black and white TV back in the 80s. We were young then and couldn’t understand anything they said (the language of instruction in our school was kikuyu – even when learning English!). We would laugh when the offstage people laughed. We didn’t watch silver spoons to get the story. We watched it because the father in the programme had a small train that he would use to commute from one room to another. The train was so exciting for us that we never missed a single episode just to see it. That is my earliest recollection of anything to do with trains.

Standard Gauge Railway

Kenya has almost completed phase one of the Standard Gauge Railway line. This will effectively replace the soon to be retired line that supported the “Lunatic Express” which was powered by a steam engine. A lot has been said about the new railway, most of it negative and to do with ridiculously inflated costs, but I will not talk about that today. My chief aim is to demystify the technical aspects of the now ubiquitous news item. I know my fellow Laymen out there are hoping somebody will tell them why the government’s newest toy is so special and what makes it tick. Well brothers and sisters; you have come to the right place. Let’s jump right into learning mode.

What is Standard Gauge?

Before I can tell you what gauge is as it relates to railways, I need to explain to you in Layman’s (my) terms what a railway is comprised of. A railway consists of two main parts. These are the sleepers and the rails. Sleepers are laid at equal intervals across the track on a foundation of ballast. The rails (two of them) are then placed parallel to each other and fastened to the sleepers. The gauge is the distance between the two rails on which a train runs.

Apparently, there are very many railway gauges in use around the world. Beside miniature gauges used in specific locations, normal railway gauges range from half a metre (19.75 inches) used in Austria, Argentina, and France, to nine metres (about 29 feet and 6 inches) used as a ship elevator in Russia. Our old railway is one metre (about 3 feet and 3 inches) wide. Between these extremes, there are myriad sizes and variations.

Our new and exciting Standard Gauge Railway is 1.435 Metres (about 4 feet and 8.5 inches). It is wider than the old one by almost half a metre. The word ‘standard’ is used to denote the widespread use of this particular gauge around the world (specifically 55% of all countries). We all know that bigger is better. We therefore want to understand why a wider railway line is better than a narrow one. Let us look at the two main advantages of the wider railway.

Speed

A wider track also means a wider train. A wide train, just like a wide car, can take corners at a higher speed without toppling over. This translates to a higher average speed the train can maintain in the course of its journey. This is the reason our new trains will be able to do a top speed of 120 kilometres per hour for passengers and 100 kilometres per hour for goods (Our old train could only manage a measly top speed of about 50 kilometres per hour). This will enable travellers to cover the distance between Mombasa and Nairobi in just four and a half hours as opposed to more than 12 hours previously.

Load Capacity

The foundation of the standard gauge is wider and therefore can handle more weight. Our new trains will be able to carry more weight for the same length of carriages. This is a good thing because we can now transport more goods per unit operating cost. It also means that we can fit more people into the same train.

Standard Gullibility Repertoire

The president has just reported that he is unable to handle corruption. This (coming less than a year to elections) is supposed to work on our sympathetic sides. It is intended to tug on our heart strings and make us say, “Woishe, he is trying so hard and he is so human after all!” Kenyans are gullible to a fault especially when they listen to senior politicians. That is the reason this form of repertoire from our president will work in his favour.

Once upon a time, a blogger, not much different from the Layman, was jailed for insulting the president. It was a quick case and the blogger was checked in as a guest of the state in a remarkably short time. This informs me that if the president wants somebody “in” that somebody will be in before he has time to say SGR. So as you can see, SGR can mean a lot of things in Kenya. Can you think of any other? Over to you.

Farting Your Way to Bliss

I woke up with a start at the sudden outburst of mirth filled laughter by my class mates. When I noticed that all of them were looking at me, I wondered what I had done in my sleep. My desk mate was gracious enough to inform me, through his tears of laughter, that I had just farted. He also gave me all the gory details of my ‘award winning’ fart. It was one of those high pitched, long drawn out farts. Its loud hooting sound was farther enhanced by my posture – I was bent over my desk and the fact that we then sat on stools and thus there was no back rest to provide any resistance.

I was then a form one student and it was my first time in boarding school. As embarrassing as it was, believe it or not, it happened again in exactly the same way a few days later. I had been ushered into the harsh world of public farting where everybody laughs at you without any regard to your emotional wellbeing. I have since then been informed that I sometimes break wind in my sleep causing obvious discomfort to my roommates. It is one of the reasons that am only comfortable sleeping in the same room as my wife. It is also the reason I don’t fancy sleep overs where I have to share a mattress with four or five relatives.

Taboo Subject

Farting is considered a taboo subject by many people. Even the word fart is considered vulgar and often used as a form of insult. I had thought of using the more polite term of ‘Flatulence’ but nobody would have known what I was talking about. When we were growing up, we believed grown-ups did not fart. In the rare instances when an adult ‘unleashed’ in the presence of children, he or she would tell the children that it was their joints that had creaked. Laughing in such a case used to attract some memorable punishments.

The Mechanics of a Fart

Farting is the releasing of gases from the tail end of the gut or digestive tract. The gases vary in composition and subsequently, the smell. The gases are mostly a by-product of the metabolism of food. They are then quite smelly and unpleasant. They could also be comprised of trapped air ingested during eating in which case, they can go undetected by smell unless they depart noisily.

Musical (or Noisy) Qualities of a Fart

Inasmuch as some farts are quite silent, many are noisy in nature. The kind of sound they produce range from loud and high-pitched hooting sound (like my memorable one above), to low-toned rumbling ones. The type of sound and volume largely depends on the unique physiological features of the farter’s behind. They also depend, to a smaller extent, on sitting (or standing) posture.

Obvious Relief

Just like with any other form of bodily waste, farts have to leave the body at some point. Delaying this crucial biological process can lead to severe discomfort. If this delay is continued beyond a certain point (which varies depending on individual capacity), some more serious issues can occur such as the gases going back up the gut into the stomach and attempting to leave through the mouth.

The Anti-Social Elements of Farting

Releasing a fart when it is imminent does not give you the right to do it in such public but congested places as buses or lifts (elevators). In those instances, it would be a good idea to hold it in briefly and release it either in the open away from other people, or in a toilet. If you fart in public, and it is not loud enough to identify you as the ‘farter’, you make those present suspicious of each other. You also spoil their mood and they are bound to be angry at their spouses and children when they go home in the evening. So, next time you think of unleashing, think about the next person.

P.S. The CEO of Kenya Film Classification Board has the moral standards of a cyborg. Does he fart? Is he even human? Just wondering.

Letting #GirlsTakeover

Today is the International Day of the Girl. It is ironical on my part that this week I had planned to write about men being the endangered species. I changed my mind when I looked at how much we take for granted as men while girls and women have to struggle in so many subtle ways just to survive. In my own house, I am the only man and my girls make me feel like a King. I was therefore quite happy when I saw the Plan International hashtag for the day #GirlsTakeover.

The Insecurity of Men

In my usual reckless style, I have decided to venture into precarious ground. Being a man, I feel somehow justified to talk with some authority on how men see things. It is so common for people to say that what men can do, women can do better. It has become a cliché thus causing it to lose the intended effectiveness. Seriously though, women can do everything if only given the opportunities. These opportunities are often in the hands of men and they are released sparingly to women. I think that men in positions of power are usually insecure in giving opportunities to women.

Long-Running Stereotypes

A stereotype is a convenient way of covering injustices. Women and girls have been stereotyped into being weak, emotional, and opportunistic. These stereotypes stand in the way of raising girls out of their nonstrategic positions. When it is concluded as a waste of time and money to try and uplift girls and women, any effort available is diverted to men-related activities.

Leadership Roles

I am hopeful that my daughters will be in positions of influence throughout their lives in the same way that they have been prefects in school. I would like for them and other girls to be able to influence in an informed way, who leads them in different spheres of life; be it in politics or the corporate world. I think the world would be a better place if #GirlsTakeover.

Education

I enjoy having discussions with my daughters on what they are learning in school. I have come to realise that girls have to apply their education in more practical situations than boys. Girls have to live all the lessons to do with biology, mathematics, business studies or any other subject. Education for them has to make sense in the real world. It is not just a way to get good grades or even advance their studies further.

Decision Making

We often associate decision making with senior officials in government or executive management in organisations. For girls however, decisions have to be made frequently in all areas of life and at even the lowest levels. These range from warding off unwanted advances, contraception, livelihood matters, and life-and-death abortion-related decisions. In all these situations, men are not and cannot be involved.

Thriving

The majority of women do not think of thriving in terms of figures. They do not see success as the accumulation of money or property. Rather, they think of propagating life and bringing smiles and comfort in the lives of those who are in their care. I therefore agree with Plan International that we need to let #GirlsTakeover. 

The Power of Ordinary

I am a Layman although I have not always been comfortable admitting it. Lately however, I have made a discovery that makes me quite proud to be a self-confessed novice in just about everything. I have learnt that the most important decision makers in every field are almost always not the most knowledgeable in their respective areas. They are also not the most experienced in any particular skill.

Movers and Shakers

Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and other such heavy dudes, both intellectually and financially, carry their ‘college drop-out’ tag with such pride that makes it look like an attractive achievement. Sir Richard Branson, he of the Virgin Atlantic fame, was dyslexic and dropped out of school at the age of 16. His subsequent success is proof that education might be an overrated accolade.

Wide Knowledge Better than In-depth Understanding

Perhaps a look at the lifestyles of the above mentioned top achievers reveals something that must be contributory to their unusual success. All of them confess to be avid readers. Sir Branson in particular has said that reading non-fiction work such as Nelson Mandela’s autobiography, ‘Long Walk to Freedom’ has played a big role in making him to be what he is. One common aspect I have noted among most of the high achievers is their curiosity in a wide range of subjects. They are often widely read even though they rarely attained a high level of education in any particular field.

Business Men

The late Kenyan business mogul, Njenga Karume, is reputed to have built a multi-billion business empire with literally no education. He was extremely savvy in business. He was also known to be a good leader who let those in his employment utilise their diverse knowledge to run his businesses. Besides his remarkable resilience, Njenga Karume was not an expert in anything. Most of his initial businesses were quite basic such as selling charcoal. This however did not stop him from becoming one of the most influential people in post-independence Kenya.

Inventors

Albert Einstein, one of the most outstanding physicists of all time, was rather ordinary especially in his young age. He was below average and nobody thought much of his abilities when he started school. He later came to develop some of the most significant theories in science. He was also a philosopher whose everyday statements have become memorable quotes. The same ‘ordinariness’ can be observed in the lives of most innovators in various fields of science and the humanities.

Jury

Although we don’t have a jury justice system in Kenya, I have read a lot about it in books and seen it in movies particularly those set in the US. A jury is a collection of ordinary people who listen to the facts of a case in court and help the judge to arrive at a decision. None of them is an expert in law. Majority of them are just normal working class citizens without expertise in any field. Their ordinariness notwithstanding, they are the ones who have to make decisions on some of the most serious cases brought to court.

Tender Committees

Closer home, I am sure everyone who has worked in a reasonably sized organisation knows about tender committees. These comprise a cross section of ordinary employees within the organisation. These are the people who sit and open tenders submitted by vendors to supply goods or services to the organisation. Most tender committee members are not from the procurement depart. Neither are they knowledgeable in purchasing and supplies management. They however are the ones who make the final decision on which supplier will be awarded a particular tender.

Politicians

Apart from the handful of politicians who have undertaken a course in political science, the vast majority of our leaders do not possess any formal knowledge in politics. They are drawn from business, academia, science, law, but rarely politics. Interestingly, the most active and reasonable politicians, are those without a background in politics. These are the ones who sponsor the best bills in parliament and come up with the most useful projects in the areas they represent. Professional political scientists on the other hand, seem to do better as analysts and advisors than as politicians.

P.S. If you have been feeling undervalued as an ordinary person, don’t! In a world where the extra-ordinary is worshipped, the ordinary rule!

How to Write

Friends (and foes alike) are increasingly approaching me asking me to make writers out of them. I have often sent them away telling them am no writer and what I jot down every week are just the misguided ramblings of a Layman. They have however become relentless and taken all my peace away. In the interest of harmony therefore, I have decided to share a few tips on how one can take off as a novice writer. Whether one becomes a fully professional writer after that largely depends on personal effort and passion.

Observation

For one to become a writer, he or she has to hone their power of observation. This means paying attention to news items, other people’s discussions (as in eavesdropping), and watching any activities and events taking place in one’s presence. Observation is key to writing because ideas will often come from the unlikeliest of sources. In line with observation, it is critical to make some kind of record because good ideas are fleeting and can evaporate in a jiffy. It is a good idea to always have on your person, a pen and small notebook to jot down in a single line, any idea that is observed or thought of.

Reading

There is no short cut here. To be a good (or bad) writer, you have to read widely. It is good to mix both fiction and non-fiction. It is also advisable to read different genres. The benefits of reading are two-fold. One, it gives you new ideas and information. Secondly, it helps you to develop your style because this will be a cross-breed of the reading you mostly partake. It was recommended to me to read at least 15 pages of non-fiction a day and as much fiction as I can find time for every day. You can find something that works for you and faithfully stick to it, Every Day!

Practice Makes Perfect

The only way to learn how to write, is by writing (preferably every day). Everything you write, (be it an SMS, email, letter, or even comment on Facebook or Whats-app) contributes to making you a better writer. You therefore have to make it count and do it properly. The best way to ensure that you write every day is to set a daily word target (200 words a day would be a good start).

Grammar and Punctuation

In writing, there is no room for slang and broken English unless you are a famous writer who is well known for writing that way. If you want to get anywhere as a writer, you have to write in correct grammar for the language you choose to write in. The key to correct grammar is simplicity. The rule of thumb, especially for beginners, is to use the level of English used in Standard Five. Short sentences and little or no vocabulary works for me and I would recommend it for you as well. If you don’t understand anything well, don’t use it in your writing.

Research

There is nothing as bad as a piece of writing in which the facts are incorrect. Whenever you write anything, always verify the facts. The only way to do this is by conducting thorough research on all the facts you wish to write about. We are fortunate to be the generation living in the information age. With a heavily loaded internet, research has never been easier. Research on the internet however, needs to be conducted with extreme care. There is a lot of false or unverifiable information out there. You should only get your information from reputable sites such as Wikipedia and Wikihow.

Proof Reading

Truly beautiful writing is only created through proof reading. This is the intense process of reading through your completed work and correcting it. Personally, I have never written anything that was perfect. I have always found those small spelling errors and typos during proof reading. It is also through proof reading that I have come to learn that the autocorrect function does not always know what you want to say. It often misses the context of a word and you can only find the anomaly through proof reading. Some sentences are too long and others have superfluous words. Proof reading helps you to weed out unnecessary words and split winding sentences into short and precise ones.

Platforms for Showcasing your Writing

There are many forums where you can put up your writing for people to read and give useful feedback. This is important because unless other people read your work, you might never how good (or bad) you are. My forum of choice is blogging (such as this Layman). Blogging is highly recommended for any aspiring writer because it provides a continuous showcase of your writing and enables you to track your progress through the days. The most popular (and free) blog sites are blogpot.com and wordpress.com. It is also possible to blog on the online Standard Newspaper site standardmedia.co.ke under U-Report.

Now that you know how to go about it, you can get started immediately. Those of you who will take this up will never regret it. Writing is a very fulfilling hobby which can also become a reliable source of income. I will however not delve into how to sell your writing here. I will have to wait for you to attain some reasonable proficiency before I can show you how to become a full professional.