Ego Massage Parlour

I come from a place where we smell money making opportunities from miles away. Like any other Layman from my community, I am always on the prowl for business ideas. I have noticed that the flesh business in the form of strip clubs and massage parlours is thriving especially in Nairobi, and also in other big towns around the country. I however cannot venture into such business due to my beliefs and principles.

Due to this setback, I tried to look for something else that I can massage without getting into conflict with my conscience. After much research, digging, and plain observation, I realised there is one thing we don’t have a shortage of in this country. We are endowed with people (particularly Leaders) who have King sized Egos. Those who discovered this earlier are now filthy rich. And all they had to do was to sing a few praises, carry some brief cases, take a few jabs, and generally become indispensable minions.

Hate Files

It appears that for one to survive Kenyan politics, he has to have a regularly updated hate file. In this file, he keeps the details of those who he “should” currently hate. Details here include such information such as names, nick names, childhood secrets, and pass port photos of skeletons in their closets. It is from this file that massage material can be gleaned whenever needed.

Acting Last Born

Of late, I have been hearing about an interesting concept. Apparently, in Africa, a child is only Last Born in an acting capacity. Being last born is a loosely held position and consequently, most of us cannot remember how it felt to be last born owing to the shortness of the duration. Senior Politicians in Kenya are constantly adopting green horns into their camps. These political lastborns are the masseuses who massage the elders’ egos until they develop egos of their own. When that happens, it is time to adopt a new acting last born.

Melodrama to Mellow Drama

It is said that there is no such thing as bad publicity. If a politician calls another one a mole, it draws our collective attention to both the supposed mole and the mole ‘exposer’. This mole exposé will be on our airwaves for some time. When the initial impetus starts to die down, the mole forgives his ‘exposer’ and it gets us excited again. This whole ego massage charade ends with the ‘exposer’ proving himself to be the biggest mole of all by appearing in public with the head potato farmer. All the melodrama mellows down and everybody is happy.

Meat Wrappers

The meat wrappers association of Kenya represent the folly of failing to effectively massage the egos of those who need the massage services. If you have a meat wrapper business license, you need to confirm whose logo is on that license. If you like, you can call it knowing which side of your bread is buttered.

Banana Wages

Before you can have an ego that has developed enough muscles to require regular massages, you need to have a full stomach. By full I don’t mean the protruding malnourished kind. I am talking about a stomach that has been fed on the finer things in life. If you are the kind that thinks caviar is a fast food sold in a sachet, then rest assured I am not talking about you. If after doing back breaking work for 30 days you are paid in bananas, am obviously not referring to you. The person who needs an Ego massage has to have been in senior management in his 20s. The rest of you can eat your banana wages for supper and take your market-less sugar cane juice for dessert and go to bed.

Investigations are Ongoing

I have come to learn that there is more swag factor for ongoing but incomplete things. I hear it is easier for a person who is “currently doing his masters” to be considered for a job than one with 3 complete PhDs. I am also told that an ongoing investigation is one of the best forms of massage for those with worthwhile egos.

P.S. For the record; I don’t aspire to have an ego worthy of a massage either now or in the foreseeable future.

Investments vs. Assets

In the recent vetting of the proposed Central Bank Governor, there was a lot of hullabaloo; first because he is unmarried at 54 and second, that he has no investments in Kenya. I am unconcerned about the man’s marital status because I believe that is neither here nor there in terms of significance. I am however concerned about what I perceive to be Kenyans’ view of what an investment is. I clearly heard the man say that he sold his assets in the US before coming home. I therefore assume that he came back with the money in order to invest locally.

Investment vs. Business

The majority of Kenyans aspire to start businesses which will hopefully enable them to kiss their boss goodbye. They desire to be self employed and be their own boss. What they forget is that they make worse bosses than any boss could ever be. Many shun investment often due to ignorance or lack of awareness. The reason I talk about business is because it makes for the best analogy in explaining what an investment is.

In the book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”, the author explains that in a business, the owner works for his money whereas with an investment, the money works for the owner. In summary therefore, an investment is an undertaking that continues to generate an income without any regular input of time, effort, or more money by the owner. An investment makes you money as you sleep or do those things that you like doing.

Asset

An asset is anything with a value. When you buy something, you acquire an asset. There are various types of assets. Some increase in value (or appreciate) as time passes while others lose value (depreciate). A popular asset in Kenya whose value appreciates is land.

Most Kenyans, especially from my community, will do anything to own land. One thing to remember however; is that idle land is not an investment in the true sense of the word. This is because idle land does not generate income. If anything, it might cost you to keep idle land. This is due to the fact that it may incur charges in the form of land leases and rates from the Government. Additionally, the land may require security enhancement in the form of fencing and guard services.

Land in many cases cannot be disposed of in a hurry. It therefore ends up tying up your capital. Land is only an investment if it is put to work to generate an income. Two popular options are farming and real estate. For land to be used for farming, it needs to be suitable in terms of size, soil type, and local climate for the kind of crop you want to grow. If it is to be used for real estate, then it has to be in an area where the kind of building you want to put up on it will be on high demand.

If I may ignore smaller assets such as furniture and utensils, the other popular assets among Kenyans are Motor Vehicles. Vehicles, unlike land, generally depreciate constantly from the day they are driven out of the showroom and all the way to when they land in the scrap yard. In addition to depreciation in value, they also depreciate in condition and they need constant repairs and maintenance.

For a vehicle to qualify as an investment, it has to generate enough income to cover depreciation, costs of repairs, maintenance and running, and some profit for the owner. Inasmuch as having a vehicle or vehicles can enhance your social status, you might need to consider other investment options.

Non-Tangible Assets which make Lucrative Investments

There are many successful businesses being run professionally. You can share the in success of such businesses by investing your money in them. You do this in the form of buying shares which are actually a form of non-tangible asset. It is true that all investments involve some level of risk and shares are no exemption. This risk can however be mitigated against by seeking the guidance of professional investment advisers.

Investing in the Government

The budget speech was read recently and as usual, it was quite ambitious. The government said that it will finance part of the budget from taxes and the rest from internal borrowing. It is this internal borrowing that should excite you because when you buy the assets known as treasury bills and bonds, you can sit back and enjoy the fruits of your investment which is 100% secure. For a minimum of Ksh. 50,000/-, you can buy a treasury bond which can pay up to 12% interest – Tax Free!

P.S. When you put your money in the bank and they give you a small interest, where do you think they invest that money? Could it be that they just buy Treasury Bonds and give you a small part of the interest they get?

Kikuyunization of the English Language

Betrayed by My Roots

You can take a boy out of the village, but you can’t take the village out of the boy. This commonly quoted assertion is true for most people wherever they come from. The town or city where you end up is irrelevant; you will always carry your village with you wherever you go. Consequently, the village in you will reveal itself at the most inopportune times and embarrass you in ways you never thought possible. I have been betrayed by my roots this way many times, and am sure you have too.

Betrayed by Your Name

When the former Vice President, Kalonzo Musyoka, accused a journalist of being betrayed by his name, he was just being shallow. This is simply because; you cannot tell what someone’s views are just from his name. You can however expect the confirmation of many things about a person’s roots.

Accent

Perhaps the biggest culprit of betrayal by roots is one’s accent. It is comforting to know that this betrayal is universal and affects people from every part of the world. You may come from a place where the “sh” sound comes out as “s”. You might also be one of those who have a problem differentiating “b” from “p”. If you, like me, come from a place where “R” and “L” are used interchangeably, then be comforted that your stigma is shared by many.

Kikuyunization of the English Language

I come from a community where speaking English is such a task that we have modified the English language to suit us. It is what my friend, Kariuki, from our village used to call the “Kikuyunization of the English Language”.

There are certain rules of the Kikuyu language that you need to know in order to understand why English has to be Kikuyunized before it can become palatable to a Kikuyu’s tongue.

Extra Vowels

There are 2 extra vowels found in Kikuyu that are not found in English. These are “í”, pronounced “aye” as in ace and “ú”, pronounced “ooh” as in awful. These vowels are the culprits that ensure most modern Kikuyus cannot read or write in their mother tongue. It is only thanks to the old education system that some of us were taught vernacular languages in school.

If you hear a Kikuyu person pronounce names and words in a way that does not make sense to you, it is only because he is utilising a part of the alphabet that you don’t possess. Any other pronunciation would make him feel stifled especially if he is from my generation.

Missing Consonants

There is no letter”f” in Kikuyu, its sound is produced by the letter “b”. Letters “p” and “q” also do not exist and neither do their sounds. The letter “s” is not used but its sound is produced by “c”. Letters “x” and “z” do not exist at all in Kikuyu. It is interesting to note that there is no letter “l” in Kikuyu but we make do with “r” as an alternative. These two appear to be used interchangeably and it is not uncommon to hear a kinsman refer to “ala” and “ero”.

Vowel and Consonant Arrangement

There is no Kikuyu word that ends in a consonant. All words end in vowels. In Kikuyunizing English therefore, you have to insert a suitable vowel at the end of those words which are missing one.

In the Kikuyu language, consonants do not usually follow each other consecutively. If you have to Kikuyunize such a word, you will insert a befitting vowel between the two consonants. The exception to this rule is “mb” and “nd” which occur in certain words. In the spirit of Kikuyunization, it is not uncommon to find the “seepage” of these two combinations into English.

Assignment

If you are from the slopes or are just a good sport, I have an assignment for you. Using the rules outlined above, please Kikuyunize the following sentences;

• Polio is an extremely debilitating disease 
•  Incarceration in a penitentiary is dependent on prior convictions 
•  Optimization of language is achieved through correct pronunciation 
•  Proper dictation ensures good spelling 
•  Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry 
•  Lux has a rather creamy lather

P.S. I believe there is only one Kenyan language that does not need adjustment to make it speakable in English. I am sure my friend “Furanjethi” from the shores concurs.

Epidemic of Depression

When I was 20 years old and in my first year of college, I tried to kill myself. It was the culmination of many years of depression which I didn’t even know I had. My trigger (every depressed person has one) was my father. He was like most parents of those days and was not very expressive. Instead, he would scold and shout and blame. I guess he also had a lot going on in his life as well.

Although my father only drank once every few months, that one time would compensate for all his sober days. That particular period however, he was drinking every day. I was extremely unhappy and felt that there was nothing in life for me. On the material day, I promised myself that if my father made noise at me, I would commit suicide.

I had spent much time planning and considering different methods. Eventually I settled down on my father’s hypertension medication. He used to have a whole pharmacy of drugs for his condition. I settled on Aldomet which worked by slowing the heartbeat rate (Thanks to his lessons I knew a lot about his drugs). He had recently restocked and there was an unopened bottle of 30 tablets of Aldomet (A full month’s prescription).

On that day, my father drove into the compound at around 8 p.m. I could hear our dogs whinnying as they usually did so that he could throw them the bones he always brought with him. He parked and did not waste any time in calling for me and starting with his rantings. Unlike before when I would lose my temper and pant in rage, this time I was cool. It would be the last time I had to listen to this (or so I told myself). As soon as he finished, I rushed to his bedroom, picked ‘my Aldomets’, and went outside to where we had a water tank. I opened the bottle and poured the contents into my mouth. I squatted at the tap and washed them down with a draught of water. I almost choked to death (ironically so).

All I had to do now was to wait for death, I had done my part. I went to bed (I used to have a room outside the main house like all boys of my age in those days). I bolted the door and slept. It was a fitful night and I had to relieve myself several times before morning. I became extremely light headed and dizzy but there was no pain. By the time morning came, I was barely conscious and could not see anything, I was completely blind.

I used to have a cow those days and it was milking time. When my father heard the cow mooing due to the milk and I was nowhere in sight, he came to wake me up. His knock on my door and the calling out of my name sounded like it was miles away. I tried to stand but couldn’t. I crawled on all fours and unbolted the door. I then collapsed in a heap at his feet.

That morning, my uncle and his wife had come to see my father about some business dealings that they had. It was my uncle who drove me to hospital in his car because my father was too distraught. When we arrived at the hospital, I could not stand on my feet and by now I was slipping in and out of consciousness. From what I got later from my Dad, the two doctors attending to me were Luos and they mentioned in their language that I was “gone”. My Dad could understand Luo and that is the only reason he knew what they said.

Apparently, the Aldomets had slowed my heart until it stopped. There was no heartbeat. It was true I had gone. My father was not a serious Christian but at that moment he started to pray. God heard his prayers and my pulse returned albeit weakly. To cut a long story short, I didn’t die or else I would not be here telling the story. I however remained in hospital for a week receiving drips and counselling.

Turning Point

My suicide attempt was the turning point in my life. I became more open and expressive. I decided to love myself more. I started taking care of my needs first. My relationship with my father also changed drastically. We could now relate on a more open and friendly level. My father became my friend and I became his confidante until his passing many years later.

Widespread Depression

Perhaps it is due to my own encounter with severe depression that I am more sensitive to depressed people. I was recently saddened to hear the story of the girl who committed suicide after her love texts were read publicly by a teacher. The worrying thing about this scenario is that teachers are supposed to be knowledgeable in basic counselling and yet they are the ones aggravating the situation.

Cry for Help

Many people and especially the youth are crying for help. Unfortunately, no one is listening because everybody is buried deep in his or her own problems. This cry for help is muffled because people do not want to call attention to themselves. Instead they want to fit in and conform to the generally accepted norms.

More Information, Less Communication

We are living in the information age and as such, you can get to know about anything you are curious about. The gadgets we are using today are capable of storing and transmitting rapidly increasing amounts of information. With all this information however, there is less communication. Feelings are left unexpressed while words about all sorts of subjects continue flying around.

More Pals and Associates, Less Friends

What we refer to as friends on social media are often not real friends. They are just pals who we have no way of opening ourselves up to. It is possible to have thousands of friends on Facebook and not have a single true friend who you can actually talk with when you have an emotional problem.

Not as Strong as we think we are

A lot of us want to appear macho but underneath, there is only turmoil. Depression is no longer just a condition in isolated people. It is a serious problem that appears to have reached endemic levels.

P.S. I like that campaign that says, “Fungua Roho, Ongea” (Open your heart and talk). It is the only way we can slay the animal of depression.