Let’s Conduct our Corruption Activities with Decorum

Affidavits

In the recent past, we have been treated to the extensive use of a new word – Affidavit. In this country, such new words have a way of getting a life of their own. Examples of other words which we have come to embrace in a renewed way include; reforms, multi-partysm, constitution, affirmative action, inclusion, consultation, mediation, and resignation, among many others.

Deviation from Press Releases

Most of us watch news to see whether one public figure or other would be taking his political fight to the media. There is the usual boring setup of tables and chairs usually outdoors, but also commonly in some dull board room somewhere. All major (and most minor) media houses will be present as one can tell from the branded attachments to the sea of microphones. The first shot of the press release will show everyone to have arrived apart from the actual speaker as can be evidenced by the empty seat towards which all the microphones are pointed.

There will be some grumbling among the grim faced attendees of the function. This will only die down when the spokesman makes a grand entrance and shoves himself towards the seat reserved for him. Most of the attendees will not have seats but will strategically position themselves behind the spokesman as if to ensure their families and friends will see them on prime-time news.

The spokesperson will clear his throat, apologise for being late (even if he was just outside the gate), and proceed to read a hastily prepared generic speech. The speech is just a filler. The meat of the issue will of course be contained in the off-the-cuff remarks that are sure to follow afterwards. It is during this crucial session that the multitude behind him will nod their heads in agreement at every word he says while at the same maintaining their serious faces, lest you think this is a joking matter.

Now you can relax in the knowledge that press conferences will no longer be made. We have moved to the era of affidavits. For those who don’t know, an affidavit is a written statement confirmed by oath or affirmation, for use as evidence in court. This is good news because it then means that, all the juicy dossiers we are getting from the affidavits are admissible in court. This is not the case with press releases.

It’s not about Giving Back the Stolen Money

In case you may be wondering, I am not trying to look for ways to end corruption in Kenya. I am merely saying that if we have to do it, let’s do it with befitting decorum. One no longer needs to deny all knowledge of lost money. All they have to do is swear an affidavit to tell us about other money which we didn’t even know was missing as well as revealing previously faceless thieves.

It is about Explaining how the Money was Spent

The government, like any other institution, runs on a predetermined budget. Many times however, the budget ends up being impractical and those charged with implementing it are forced to engage their creativity in modifying it (Ooh! Bless them!). Through an affidavit, it is possible to explain how these previously unknown adjustments were made and why. Nobody needs to go to jail and no money needs to be returned. After all, nothing was stolen and by extension, nobody stole anything.

Redefining Corruption

Corruption is such an ugly word. It appears even uglier if it is used in reference to the noble activities carried out by people who have to think on their feet and deal with all the contingencies involved in running a government and other big institutions. Let us not call those who are suspected of fraud corrupt. Let us patiently wait for the courts to declare them either dirty or clean. Let us not call the courts corrupt. Let us instead give them a chance to explain what is happening in high profile cases where they are accused of taking bribes.

Paving the Way for ‘Clean’ Corruption

When HIV/AIDS was declared a national disaster, the government went all out to ensure infection rates were reduced. It did not make a moral issue of saying promiscuity was a major contributing factor. Instead, it ensured that there were enough condoms for people who did not think of abstinence or faithfulness as viable options. The same should be done for corruption. It should be declared a national disaster. This would ensure that those who would feel that stopping corruption is not practical would be provided with a level playing field. This would help them to conduct their corruption business with the decorum that it so obviously lacks at the moment.

Social Security – Kenyan Style

Some of us have watched so many Hollywood movies that we feel more American than Americans themselves. We have a parallel culture with identical facets to those found in America. It is not unusual to hear Kenyan Laymen use with abandon such words as FBI and IRS. Many also refer vehicle boots and bonnets as trunks and hoods and are also spelling words with “Z” instead of “S”. This fake Americanisation is however unable to ensure that base systems are in place for us to consider ourselves in the league of the only remaining super power (sic).

Good Neighbourliness

The above is a grim picture of how far we are from becoming like America. The good news is that all is not lost. We may not have the elaborate Social Security System that ensures jobless and retired people can eat and have a place to sleep like the Americans. What we have is our very own version of a functioning social security system. It is based purely on good neighbourliness, brotherhood, and respect.

It is a known fact that we are grappling with the effects of negative ethnicity. While this is a growing problem, there is a small glimmer of hope. There are people all over this beautiful country who have overcome the animal that is tribalism. I observed this interesting phenomenon when I lived and worked in Kisumu. Being a Kikuyu myself, I was apprehensive to move to the heart of Luoland barely two years after the dreadful post-election violence.

I discovered that I had absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I was shown some property belonging to a Kikuyu man and was told that it had not been touched during the violence. If anything, the neighbours had defended it fiercely from vandalism. On asking how that was possible, I was told, “He lived well with us and treated us with respect. He was more than a good neighbour, he was a brother.” I was told he later moved away due to his personal discomfort of being the only Kikuyu in a hundred mile radius (all others had been chased or run away).

It was interesting to learn that even our dreaded tribalism can be overcome by treating each other with respect irrespective of tribe. It is what I like to call Social Security, Kenyan version.

Equal Status

Theft is in many ways like the flow of a river. This is because it entails the movement of goods from a high gradient to a low one. Most thieves steal from those who they perceive to have more than them. This is why a poor person feels completely safe living in some of the most dangerous slums in the country. The simple explanation is that there is no gradient of wealth between the slum resident and thug. Both are of equal status and therefore secure in each other’s company.

Speaking to People’s Conscience

There are many anti-hijack training programmes in our country owing to the sharp rise in the vice in recent years. A common teaching in all of them is that if you are accosted by hijackers, you should cooperate with them and give in to their demands without resistance. The idea here is to speak to their consciences (apparently, everybody has one).

Retirement Plan

Old people in Kenya are taken of by their children. Parents are therefore advised to be nice to their growing children because they will one day be the only available retirement plan. The idea of old peoples’ homes has not caught on. Besides, very few can afford it.

Education Plan

Woe to you if you are the first born in a big family. Those little brothers and sisters who are born when you already eating githeri will be your responsibility before you can think of getting your own children. You will pay for their secondary and college education. You will also ensure they get jobs by taking to anybody who might know someone who is somebody.

Health Plan

I heard somebody say that you can’t afford to fall sick in this country. This is unless you are one of the privileged few whose employer has taken out a medical cover for you. The rest of Kenyans have to conduct harambees (fund raisers) at great strain to all involved. That is Kenyan social security for you.

Valentine’s Day to become a Public Holiday

The month of love is finally with us. This week will culminate in the usually much awaited Valentine’s Day. As it is with most important days, Valentine’s Day is founded on pain and suffering. It is a day set aside to commemorate the death as a martyr, of St. Valentine. This saint was a Catholic Bishop during the reign of Emperor Claudius in Rome. It is reported that the Emperor abolished the institution of marriage among his soldiers because he believed single men fought better in war. Bishop Valentine however, continued conducting their weddings in secret until he was discovered and executed.

The modern Valentine’s Day involves thoughtful treats by lovers on each other. It has become a very important day and often turns out to be a significant milestone in relationships. I have been looking at this day and have decided that it should be made into a public holiday.

Overcoming Shyness
One of the biggest hindrances to the progression of relationships is shyness. This is particularly so with young men who are expected to make the first move (or any move for that matter). Valentine’s Day provides the perfect opportunity for asking those tough questions to the women they love. On this day, only the most diabolical of women would be courageous enough to break a man’s heart.

Lover’s Reconciliation

Valentine’s Day is the perfect window of opportunity for lovers to make up after any spats in the preceding year. The air is heavy with love during this season and even the hardest of hearts is bound to melt with forgiveness. Reconciliations lead to the saving of marriages on the verge of collapse and the benefits of this extend even to the children. Nothing strengthens a relationship more than an emotional make-up after a painful break-up.

Moving Relationships to the next Level

Lately, women have been complaining that men are to slow to commit. This has led to frustrations in many relationships. Valentine’s Day is an ideal time for all those hesitant men to propose to their lady loves. There is something about making a commitment on a day set aside for everyone in the world to express their love to one another. A lot of lasting marriages are founded on a Valentine’s Day proposal.

Celebration of Love

For those who are already in love and in stable relationships, Valentine’s Day is the time to express that love. It is a day when ladies can wear screaming-red dresses and men can walk around town carrying bunches of roses without caring who is watching. After all, everybody else is doing the same. People can show love with complete and utter abandon. On which other day can one do that?

Side-lining of Mpango wa Kandos (Clandestine Lovers)

Being the official day of love, most men would not dare to be with their clande’s. They have to make the effort to be with their official wives. This then means that the day encourages the growth of proper families and discourages side dishes. This is good for society.

No lying at Work

All the things described above are full-day activities. It therefore means that, in those years when Valentine falls on a working day, people have to come up with all sorts of creative excuses to be away from work. The only reprieve has been the fact that even the boss is also up to similar activities of his own. If Valentine’s Day is made into a public holiday, people in love would not be forced to lie at work in addition to footing the hefty bills that accompany their loyalty pledges.

Benefits of making Valentine’s Day into a Public Holiday

I think the government should seriously consider making this important day into a public holiday. As can be gleaned from the Layman’s observations above, good loving relationships can be nurtured all over the country. Families, and by extension communities, would flourish. There would be less destitute children as a result of painful divorces. There would also be no need to lie at work in order to spend time with a significant other. But then, am just a Layman; who takes me seriously?

P.S. Can the Government consider subsidising chocolate and red roses during the month of love? This would really help even the low income earners to afford to express their love on this important occasion.

 

 

The Impending Taxi Debacle in Kenya

A Child of the System

It is true that am a Layman on many matters. Taxi business is not one of them. I drove a taxi in Nairobi for 4 years and am familiar with that territory. I can relate very well with what happens in the industry having spent many nights “in my shoes” as we used to refer to working the night shift. I have experienced my fair share of difficult passengers and have lost my way in this city more times than I care to remember.

For all its seemingly endless challenges, it is this industry that helped to make me what I am today. I learnt to relate with diverse people and personalities. I also learnt to persevere hardships and even have fun while at it. It is an industry that I respect immensely. It is my experiences as a taxi driver that inspired me to start one of my blogs http://acabdriverstory.blogspot.co.za/.

New (Threatening) Kid on the Block

I listened with concern, an incident in which a taxi was reportedly stoned by irate taxi operators. The stoned taxi is said to be operated by a new entrant in the industry, Uber. Uber is an American company that operates in many countries all over the world. It has taken the taxi industry by storm by utilising technology and creating a platform for thousands of car owners to cash in on the taxi business. The concept looks good on paper and has also benefited passengers who have to pay less than they have to pay on regular taxis.

The Uber concept has not gone down well with the usual taxi operators. I can understand them because like I have said before, I am one of them. They are unhappy with what they claim to be undercutting by the new operators. Apparently, Uber is able to charge about half of what other taxis demand for the same distance. Most clients have moved to Uber and some very unhappy people have declared, “Over our dead bodies!”

Territorial

Taxis in Nairobi and other towns in Kenya are highly territorial. Each taxi operates from a specific base and can only pick passengers from within a particular radius. Any taxi that attempts to pick clients outside of its given area will be invading on another’s territory. What this has meant is that once a taxi drops a client, it has to drive back to its base empty even if there is another passenger at the drop zone going back in the same direction.

This is unlike what would happen in the US (I have heard; I’ve never been there) where a taxi can drive continuously for days picking and dropping passengers along the way. This, I think, is how Uber is structured. This then enables an operator to charge the customer for only the distance ferried instead of additionally charging for the empty return trip back to base. This is what is bringing about the huge price disparity between the two operators.

Understandable Concerns

I know I cannot be completely objective on this matter having been one of the players in the past. In spite of this, I still think that these operators have a legitimate concern. They correctly claim that they are being pushed out of business and yet they have commitments using projections based on their current operating model. How far they get in fighting the new comers is still uncertain. I hope they can work out a favourable compromise that will not oppress either side too much.

Wind of Change

It is often said that the only fixed thing is change. When change comes, it comes. There is little anybody can do about it. Addressing the press, the spokesman of the United Kenya Taxi Association admitted that some of the Uber drivers were actually their former members. It will therefore be difficult for the association to be too military in diffusing the stand-off.

Technology

The face of business has changed in recent years with the fast advancement in technology. Mobile phone technology has been the most utilised by taxis and their way of communicating with customers has changed drastically in the last few years. The uptake of other technologies had not picked on in the industry until Uber came along. Now one can book their taxi online. This has never happened before.

Customer is King

‘Money makes the world go round’, so they say. By extension, this means that the one with money can push his world round faster. ‘Customer is King’, goes the modern business mantra. I think that in the end, the winner of the taxi wars will be the one who makes the customer happiest by giving most value for money. Don’t wait for my vote on the matter. I can’t afford taxi fare. Ask me when there is a pedestrian crisis. That is my territory.