The Burden of Being a Kikuyu

"You should feel very lucky to have been born a Kikuyu!" This statement has been directed to me on many occasions by friends from other communities. I admit that I used to feel quite lucky belonging to the most populous tribe but not anymore. Now I just feel burdened. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate being a Kikuyu, it's just that I don't take it as some kind of entitlement to make me feel superior to people of other communities.

‘Ũthamaki ni Witũ’

This is not Greek. It is just the Kikuyu way of saying, "The kingdom is ours". This of course refers to the

Presidency because Kenya is not a monarchy - yet. Occupancy to the house on the hill (State House) has given some of my kinsmen the impetus to Lord it over our brothers (and sisters) from other communities. Personally however, this 'ownership of the Kingdom' does not in any way make me feel more privileged than a person from a different tribe.

Public Service Jobs

An 'ethnic' audit was recently conducted in public universities across the country. It indicated that most of the workers particularly in institutions within central province were Kikuyus. This 'discovery' was hailed as a red flag. It was interesting to read people's comments. Many implied that Kikuyus had 'stolen' jobs meant for other Kenyans. They thought we should be content with the presidency and leave the smaller jobs to needier and therefore, more deserving people.

Business Acumen

There is a widespread belief that all people of Kikuyu origin are good in business. Success stories of those who rose from rags to riches through sheer business acumen are rife. Stories of failure and destitution among the Kikuyus are rarely shared. This gives the false impression that a Kikuyu person’s business acumen is genetic. This cannot be further from the truth. There are many Kikuyus (such as yours truly) who ventured into business, failed miserably, and scampered back to employment with their tails between their legs.

Language

People often say that whenever two Kikuyus meet, they switch to their mother tongue. I am often guilty of this. What I don't agree with is that we do this in order to back-bite those who don't understand the language. Besides, Kikuyus are not the only people who have and use a mother tongue among themselves.

IDPs

A lot of people, majority of them Kikuyus, were displaced after the 2007\2008 post-election violence. I got to visit some camps in the rift valley where they were being sheltered. It was heart breaking to hear of how they had lost everything. This was despite the fact that we were (and still are) under a Kikuyu President. These people were expected to be perfectly comfortable in their tents just because one of their sons was in power. “It was all worth the bloodshed and sacrifice”, they were told.

I was then with a project that was assisting women with survival kits that contained among other things, baby clothes and sanitary items. We went back for evaluation and talked with some of the men. Being the only Kikuyu in the group, I discussed with the men about what they had gone through.

Many of these men had been business people and farmers who were doing quite well before the violence. They lost everything. Their houses and businesses were razed to the ground. Some witnessed their relatives being killed and women raped. The small group we were interviewing had only managed to escape with their lives. We asked them what they would like us to bring them if we got some more funding. “Under wear”, they answered. It was really heart wrenching to see this group of former hardworking tycoons who did not own even a single pair of under wear.

Of Rich Widows and Short Lived Tycoons

Blame it on the stereotypes (which I have condemned here recently) but people are advised to give women from Kabete (where I come from) a wide berth. The news is awash with women who get their rich husbands killed so as to inherit their property. Everybody conveniently forgets to highlight the myriad Kikuyu women who are by their husbands’ side as they amass wealth, bring up their children, and happily grow old together.

P.S. For the record, all the Kikuyu-bashing notwithstanding, I have no apologies being a Kikuyu

Made Up of Make-Up

A Scary Encounter

My first encounter with make-up was traumatic. There was this female colleague whom I regarded as a sister. On one particular morning as I greeted her, I noticed a small white speck on her cheek. Being the good brother that I was, I pointed it out to her and offered to remove it. She was grateful for my concern and waited as I attempted to swipe the speck away with the tip of my finger. It turned out to be rather stubborn and so I employed the technique my mum used to apply on us when removing dried scat from around our noses when we were small. I tried to scrape the speck gently with my finger nail. As I looked closely to confirm my progress, I was aghast at what I saw.

The speck was not moving. Instead, the skin around it was peeling off. With my heart pounding, I checked to see if what I expected was happening; my sister wincing in pain. I was surprised to see her still smiling sweetly and totally relaxed. “Has it come off?” she asked. “Yes”, I lied. By now I had realised that what I had assumed to be skin was actually a layer of make-up and I had not raptured any arteries or nerves. The speck that had been the subject of my brotherly concern turned out to be a tip of a major ‘ice berg’ buried under layers of make-up. With shaking fingers, I patted the peel of ‘skin’ back into place as best as I could under the circumstances. From that day, I swore never to touch any woman’s face apart from my wife’s.

Alternative Skin

I have since learnt that make-up for women is serious business. The skin colour and texture that we see on modern women is often not an outcome of creation or evolution. It is the result of expert hours spent in dingy cosmetic laboratories. The results from the laboratory are then taken through hard working machines in factories, and distributed on an international supply chain so as to reach every cosmetic shop in all corners of the globe. I hear that it is now possible for a woman to decide what part of the world she wants to look like she comes from.

Aspiring Caucasian

There appears to be a consensus among our women that the most beautiful kind of person is a Caucasian. When Vera Sidika (our very own socialite) bleached her skin, it was said that she was aspiring to be Caucasian. In the end, she did get the skin colour of a Caucasian. She however forgot that there are other features that cannot be ‘Caucasianised’ so easily, such as African noses and foreheads.

Drawn-on Eye Brows

I was surprised to hear and later see some women (and lately men too) shaving off their eye brows, then drawing them back again with some kind of a special pen (or is it pencil?). I have seen various versions of these drawn-on eyebrows and I am more confused than ever. Some look odd, some awkward, others scary, but all of them look bad (to me). There are many variations of themes achieved by the fake brows. These include oriental, pointed, and ‘concerned’ look. What I am certain of is that the artistic eye brows do not achieve nature’s intended purpose of real eye brows; guttering water away from the eyes.

Stick-On Eye Lashes

Still on the eyes, it is nowadays not enough to paint eye brows. Women now buy and stick on eye lashes, again with varying themes. These fake eye lashes are usually longer and more elaborately curved. They give the impression of fluttering butterflies whenever the wearer blinks (which is often more than the normal average). Just like with the shapes, the lashes also come in many different colours (probably to enable matching with the clothing colour scheme of the day).

Fake Nails

I have learnt that the kinds of finger nails women consider beautiful are long and narrow. If nature has only bestowed upon one, only chubby fingers with short splitting nails, then something has to be done. It is now possible (and common) for women to purchase nails over the counter and stick them over their deficient natural ones. The fake nails are supplied ‘ready to use’ and even have the required shade of nail varnish and art pre-applied in the factory.

Hair Extensions (and the Indomitable Weaves)

It seems that our women are worried about the length of their hair to the extent that a big number of them opt to use extensions. This, I guess, is to give them the ability to flick their heads when the ‘hair’ gets into the face – just like in the movies. About weaves; so much has been said (most of it emotive) but no consensus has been reached. I don’t want to give my opinion on weaves but what I know with certainty is that they are here to stay.

Lip Stick (is it still called that?)

There seems to be a revival in the use of lip stick. For a good many years, we have been seeing our women applying the only the modest lip balm (although applied copiously). It however appears that those modest days are over. The lip stick being used today is no longer of shades that go with a person’s skin tone. On the contrary, what we are seeing is an explosion of colour. Women are applying lip stick with screaming colour such that when you meet with her, you only notice the woman behind the lipstick much later. Some of the shades can even glow in the dark (I think).

P.S. I hope this revival of make-up is not on the account of men. Many men, myself included, do not like a woman who is over-made-up.

What Men Really Want

I am not a relationship expert. Whatever I say here should not be taken as professional advice. My aim is to just air my views and share my own personal experiences and observations, having been happily married to my beloved wife for 18 years. I am however still the Layman you have come to know who is bound to poke his nose in every matter.

I have ears that work and have been hearing things from our women folk that sadden me. Women seem to assume that they can judge men using women’s standards and this, I think, is where they go wrong. I am talking as a man and so all I say is authentic as far as men’s needs are concerned.

Common Misconceptions

Before I say what we want as men, I would like to dispel some misconceptions which have been repeated so many times that most women assume them to be the gospel truth. As you may well be aware, you cannot learn the correct thing unless you first ‘unlearn’ that which is not true.

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. This mantra is taught to every aspiring bride and is repeated at hen parties and weddings. To the disappointment of many, feeding a man with a world class cuisine has not stopped anyone from straying. Women go to the trouble of learning to cook so many things and practice until they become experts but are not always able to keep their men happy.

It is often said that a man has two stomachs. The one above is fed with food and the one below refers to sex. Again, women are told they have to be proficient in all the styles and techniques from ancient books of love making. Just like with the upper stomach, feeding this stomach does not guarantee happiness in a man.

“You have to submit to your husband at all times”, says her aunt during the wedding speeches. The new bride then proceeds to learn how not to argue with her man and keep her eyes downcast when he is talking to her. She further defends him when he hits her or embarrasses her in from of people or even their own children.

While the above are good things to do for your man, they will not guarantee that he will be happy. In fact, by themselves they are disappointingly ineffective in keeping a man faithful to you. The truth, as has been stated severally, is that men are simple creatures. As such, their needs are so simple that many of you will assume they are not true. I have really tried to analyse what men want and I have summarised everything to two things which if followed, can help women get and keep the men of their dreams.

Smile

It is as simple as that; Smile! By smile I don’t mean the fake kind where only the teeth are shown. I am talking about a genuine smile which in truth emanates from the heart and eyes while the teeth are just accessories. Rest assured, no man can resist a genuine smile from a woman. You can take that to the bank. Women who are known to seduce tough and powerful men use their disarming smiles to worm their way into the hardest of hearts. When my wife flashes her beautiful smile at me, I find myself giving in to all her demands.

Be Available

Women who play hard to get often find themselves hard to be gotten. Nothing puts a man off more than a woman who is not there when he needs her. An empty house when he gets home and an unanswered phone when he calls can make even the most patient man give up on a woman. The same applies to when a man wants to share an idea or vent some tension. The availability of his woman to listen to him is one of the best therapies he can get. One of the happiest moments in my home is when my wife serves me food and keeps me company while I eat. That is the time I feel most loved.

There, I have given my two penny worth of relationship advice. You can now either Smile and ‘Be there’, or you can go ahead and bury your head in thick volumes of expert advice. The choice is yours and you can only follow what works for you. After all, I am only a Layman on matters of the heart and cannot give any guarantees.

Manoeuvring the Maze of Political Correctness

Nowadays, it is not enough to just know something. You also have to be able to say it in a way that does not offend another person. Speaking freely is no longer an option. The important thing is to be politically correct.

Semantics were just a topic in literature. Today however, semantics can get one into a lot of trouble with the law. If you want to survive in this day and age, and continue enjoying your freedom, you have to learn what you are allowed to say, how you are allowed to say it, and who you are allowed to say it to. In short, you have to be politically correct in all you say.

She or He
It has always been considered cumbersome in both writing and speaking to use both gender references. It has been seen to be okay to use the masculine to represent both male and female. This is no longer the case. The lady who taught me how to write was very categorical. “You have to include both whenever you write!”

The Disabled

This is one aspect of political correctness that makes sense to me. I recently read of a person who is visually impaired talk of being a person living with blindness. She said that it is important for the person to be the subject of the statement. This is as opposed to the other way round when the blindness is made the subject. This applies to all forms of disability. The correct way to refer to them is ‘Persons with Disability’ and not ‘Disabled People’.

Miss, Mrs, and Ms

This is a very sensitive area that goes beyond political correctness. Miss is a title of respect for an unmarried woman while Mrs is that for a married woman. Ms is a title of respect for a woman but it does not indicate her marital status. Ms is therefore the politically correct form of address for any respectable woman because as it turns out, marital status is a private matter.

Fat People

It is politically incorrect to refer to anybody (especially a woman) as fat irrespective of how obviously fat, she or he is. The correct way to describe such people is ‘plus size’. It is also allowable to call them ‘size sexy’.

B.C. and A.D.

Our reference to the passage of time has always been based on the life and times of Jesus Christ. B.C. denotes ‘Before Christ’ which refers to the time before Jesus walked the earth. The interesting thing about B.C. time is that it is counted backward. The year before Christ is 1 B.C. while something that happened 3000 years before Christ is said to have taken place in 3000 B.C. The years after the time of Christ are denoted A.D. This is an acronym for Anno Domini which is Latin for ‘the year of the Lord’.

Due to sensitivity for those who do not ascribe to the Christian faith, it is now politically incorrect to refer to either B.C. or A.D. The politically correct way to talk about the two eras is ‘Before Common Era’ (B.C.E), and ‘Common Era’ (C.E) respectively.

Christmas Greetings

Still in line with liberation from religious affiliation, the December festive season which has been built around Christmas day is changing. With a constantly reducing number of Christians, it is becoming increasingly improper to send general Christmas greetings. The politically correct form of greetings to send in December is Season’s Greetings.

Slang Attack!

There are words and names which were perfectly innocent and proper to use in everyday conversation. This is not the case anymore. One has to be alert to know which words slang has captured and made vulgar.

One of the first James Bond movies went by the title of ‘Goldfinger’ and was released in 1964. Among the villains was a girl by the name of Pussy Galore. I recently watched the movie and although it is really good, I was unable to enjoy it as much as I did when I first watched it in the 80s. The reason for this is the name of this girl which I found completely inappropriate and politically incorrect in this day and age.

In the same 1980s, there was a popular brand of chewing gum in Kenya known as Pussy Cat. If it was to be sold today, it would only be marketed at stag parties. It is now also impossible to name cats in the village. When I was growing up, they were all fondly referred to as Pussy, but not anymore for obvious reasons!