SGR

Silver Spoons

I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. This was just a popular sitcom that we used to watch on our wooden black and white TV back in the 80s. We were young then and couldn’t understand anything they said (the language of instruction in our school was kikuyu – even when learning English!). We would laugh when the offstage people laughed. We didn’t watch silver spoons to get the story. We watched it because the father in the programme had a small train that he would use to commute from one room to another. The train was so exciting for us that we never missed a single episode just to see it. That is my earliest recollection of anything to do with trains.

Standard Gauge Railway

Kenya has almost completed phase one of the Standard Gauge Railway line. This will effectively replace the soon to be retired line that supported the “Lunatic Express” which was powered by a steam engine. A lot has been said about the new railway, most of it negative and to do with ridiculously inflated costs, but I will not talk about that today. My chief aim is to demystify the technical aspects of the now ubiquitous news item. I know my fellow Laymen out there are hoping somebody will tell them why the government’s newest toy is so special and what makes it tick. Well brothers and sisters; you have come to the right place. Let’s jump right into learning mode.

What is Standard Gauge?

Before I can tell you what gauge is as it relates to railways, I need to explain to you in Layman’s (my) terms what a railway is comprised of. A railway consists of two main parts. These are the sleepers and the rails. Sleepers are laid at equal intervals across the track on a foundation of ballast. The rails (two of them) are then placed parallel to each other and fastened to the sleepers. The gauge is the distance between the two rails on which a train runs.

Apparently, there are very many railway gauges in use around the world. Beside miniature gauges used in specific locations, normal railway gauges range from half a metre (19.75 inches) used in Austria, Argentina, and France, to nine metres (about 29 feet and 6 inches) used as a ship elevator in Russia. Our old railway is one metre (about 3 feet and 3 inches) wide. Between these extremes, there are myriad sizes and variations.

Our new and exciting Standard Gauge Railway is 1.435 Metres (about 4 feet and 8.5 inches). It is wider than the old one by almost half a metre. The word ‘standard’ is used to denote the widespread use of this particular gauge around the world (specifically 55% of all countries). We all know that bigger is better. We therefore want to understand why a wider railway line is better than a narrow one. Let us look at the two main advantages of the wider railway.

Speed

A wider track also means a wider train. A wide train, just like a wide car, can take corners at a higher speed without toppling over. This translates to a higher average speed the train can maintain in the course of its journey. This is the reason our new trains will be able to do a top speed of 120 kilometres per hour for passengers and 100 kilometres per hour for goods (Our old train could only manage a measly top speed of about 50 kilometres per hour). This will enable travellers to cover the distance between Mombasa and Nairobi in just four and a half hours as opposed to more than 12 hours previously.

Load Capacity

The foundation of the standard gauge is wider and therefore can handle more weight. Our new trains will be able to carry more weight for the same length of carriages. This is a good thing because we can now transport more goods per unit operating cost. It also means that we can fit more people into the same train.

Standard Gullibility Repertoire

The president has just reported that he is unable to handle corruption. This (coming less than a year to elections) is supposed to work on our sympathetic sides. It is intended to tug on our heart strings and make us say, “Woishe, he is trying so hard and he is so human after all!” Kenyans are gullible to a fault especially when they listen to senior politicians. That is the reason this form of repertoire from our president will work in his favour.

Once upon a time, a blogger, not much different from the Layman, was jailed for insulting the president. It was a quick case and the blogger was checked in as a guest of the state in a remarkably short time. This informs me that if the president wants somebody “in” that somebody will be in before he has time to say SGR. So as you can see, SGR can mean a lot of things in Kenya. Can you think of any other? Over to you.

Farting Your Way to Bliss

I woke up with a start at the sudden outburst of mirth filled laughter by my class mates. When I noticed that all of them were looking at me, I wondered what I had done in my sleep. My desk mate was gracious enough to inform me, through his tears of laughter, that I had just farted. He also gave me all the gory details of my ‘award winning’ fart. It was one of those high pitched, long drawn out farts. Its loud hooting sound was farther enhanced by my posture – I was bent over my desk and the fact that we then sat on stools and thus there was no back rest to provide any resistance.

I was then a form one student and it was my first time in boarding school. As embarrassing as it was, believe it or not, it happened again in exactly the same way a few days later. I had been ushered into the harsh world of public farting where everybody laughs at you without any regard to your emotional wellbeing. I have since then been informed that I sometimes break wind in my sleep causing obvious discomfort to my roommates. It is one of the reasons that am only comfortable sleeping in the same room as my wife. It is also the reason I don’t fancy sleep overs where I have to share a mattress with four or five relatives.

Taboo Subject

Farting is considered a taboo subject by many people. Even the word fart is considered vulgar and often used as a form of insult. I had thought of using the more polite term of ‘Flatulence’ but nobody would have known what I was talking about. When we were growing up, we believed grown-ups did not fart. In the rare instances when an adult ‘unleashed’ in the presence of children, he or she would tell the children that it was their joints that had creaked. Laughing in such a case used to attract some memorable punishments.

The Mechanics of a Fart

Farting is the releasing of gases from the tail end of the gut or digestive tract. The gases vary in composition and subsequently, the smell. The gases are mostly a by-product of the metabolism of food. They are then quite smelly and unpleasant. They could also be comprised of trapped air ingested during eating in which case, they can go undetected by smell unless they depart noisily.

Musical (or Noisy) Qualities of a Fart

Inasmuch as some farts are quite silent, many are noisy in nature. The kind of sound they produce range from loud and high-pitched hooting sound (like my memorable one above), to low-toned rumbling ones. The type of sound and volume largely depends on the unique physiological features of the farter’s behind. They also depend, to a smaller extent, on sitting (or standing) posture.

Obvious Relief

Just like with any other form of bodily waste, farts have to leave the body at some point. Delaying this crucial biological process can lead to severe discomfort. If this delay is continued beyond a certain point (which varies depending on individual capacity), some more serious issues can occur such as the gases going back up the gut into the stomach and attempting to leave through the mouth.

The Anti-Social Elements of Farting

Releasing a fart when it is imminent does not give you the right to do it in such public but congested places as buses or lifts (elevators). In those instances, it would be a good idea to hold it in briefly and release it either in the open away from other people, or in a toilet. If you fart in public, and it is not loud enough to identify you as the ‘farter’, you make those present suspicious of each other. You also spoil their mood and they are bound to be angry at their spouses and children when they go home in the evening. So, next time you think of unleashing, think about the next person.

P.S. The CEO of Kenya Film Classification Board has the moral standards of a cyborg. Does he fart? Is he even human? Just wondering.

Letting #GirlsTakeover

Today is the International Day of the Girl. It is ironical on my part that this week I had planned to write about men being the endangered species. I changed my mind when I looked at how much we take for granted as men while girls and women have to struggle in so many subtle ways just to survive. In my own house, I am the only man and my girls make me feel like a King. I was therefore quite happy when I saw the Plan International hashtag for the day #GirlsTakeover.

The Insecurity of Men

In my usual reckless style, I have decided to venture into precarious ground. Being a man, I feel somehow justified to talk with some authority on how men see things. It is so common for people to say that what men can do, women can do better. It has become a cliché thus causing it to lose the intended effectiveness. Seriously though, women can do everything if only given the opportunities. These opportunities are often in the hands of men and they are released sparingly to women. I think that men in positions of power are usually insecure in giving opportunities to women.

Long-Running Stereotypes

A stereotype is a convenient way of covering injustices. Women and girls have been stereotyped into being weak, emotional, and opportunistic. These stereotypes stand in the way of raising girls out of their nonstrategic positions. When it is concluded as a waste of time and money to try and uplift girls and women, any effort available is diverted to men-related activities.

Leadership Roles

I am hopeful that my daughters will be in positions of influence throughout their lives in the same way that they have been prefects in school. I would like for them and other girls to be able to influence in an informed way, who leads them in different spheres of life; be it in politics or the corporate world. I think the world would be a better place if #GirlsTakeover.

Education

I enjoy having discussions with my daughters on what they are learning in school. I have come to realise that girls have to apply their education in more practical situations than boys. Girls have to live all the lessons to do with biology, mathematics, business studies or any other subject. Education for them has to make sense in the real world. It is not just a way to get good grades or even advance their studies further.

Decision Making

We often associate decision making with senior officials in government or executive management in organisations. For girls however, decisions have to be made frequently in all areas of life and at even the lowest levels. These range from warding off unwanted advances, contraception, livelihood matters, and life-and-death abortion-related decisions. In all these situations, men are not and cannot be involved.

Thriving

The majority of women do not think of thriving in terms of figures. They do not see success as the accumulation of money or property. Rather, they think of propagating life and bringing smiles and comfort in the lives of those who are in their care. I therefore agree with Plan International that we need to let #GirlsTakeover. 

The Power of Ordinary

I am a Layman although I have not always been comfortable admitting it. Lately however, I have made a discovery that makes me quite proud to be a self-confessed novice in just about everything. I have learnt that the most important decision makers in every field are almost always not the most knowledgeable in their respective areas. They are also not the most experienced in any particular skill.

Movers and Shakers

Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and other such heavy dudes, both intellectually and financially, carry their ‘college drop-out’ tag with such pride that makes it look like an attractive achievement. Sir Richard Branson, he of the Virgin Atlantic fame, was dyslexic and dropped out of school at the age of 16. His subsequent success is proof that education might be an overrated accolade.

Wide Knowledge Better than In-depth Understanding

Perhaps a look at the lifestyles of the above mentioned top achievers reveals something that must be contributory to their unusual success. All of them confess to be avid readers. Sir Branson in particular has said that reading non-fiction work such as Nelson Mandela’s autobiography, ‘Long Walk to Freedom’ has played a big role in making him to be what he is. One common aspect I have noted among most of the high achievers is their curiosity in a wide range of subjects. They are often widely read even though they rarely attained a high level of education in any particular field.

Business Men

The late Kenyan business mogul, Njenga Karume, is reputed to have built a multi-billion business empire with literally no education. He was extremely savvy in business. He was also known to be a good leader who let those in his employment utilise their diverse knowledge to run his businesses. Besides his remarkable resilience, Njenga Karume was not an expert in anything. Most of his initial businesses were quite basic such as selling charcoal. This however did not stop him from becoming one of the most influential people in post-independence Kenya.

Inventors

Albert Einstein, one of the most outstanding physicists of all time, was rather ordinary especially in his young age. He was below average and nobody thought much of his abilities when he started school. He later came to develop some of the most significant theories in science. He was also a philosopher whose everyday statements have become memorable quotes. The same ‘ordinariness’ can be observed in the lives of most innovators in various fields of science and the humanities.

Jury

Although we don’t have a jury justice system in Kenya, I have read a lot about it in books and seen it in movies particularly those set in the US. A jury is a collection of ordinary people who listen to the facts of a case in court and help the judge to arrive at a decision. None of them is an expert in law. Majority of them are just normal working class citizens without expertise in any field. Their ordinariness notwithstanding, they are the ones who have to make decisions on some of the most serious cases brought to court.

Tender Committees

Closer home, I am sure everyone who has worked in a reasonably sized organisation knows about tender committees. These comprise a cross section of ordinary employees within the organisation. These are the people who sit and open tenders submitted by vendors to supply goods or services to the organisation. Most tender committee members are not from the procurement depart. Neither are they knowledgeable in purchasing and supplies management. They however are the ones who make the final decision on which supplier will be awarded a particular tender.

Politicians

Apart from the handful of politicians who have undertaken a course in political science, the vast majority of our leaders do not possess any formal knowledge in politics. They are drawn from business, academia, science, law, but rarely politics. Interestingly, the most active and reasonable politicians, are those without a background in politics. These are the ones who sponsor the best bills in parliament and come up with the most useful projects in the areas they represent. Professional political scientists on the other hand, seem to do better as analysts and advisors than as politicians.

P.S. If you have been feeling undervalued as an ordinary person, don’t! In a world where the extra-ordinary is worshipped, the ordinary rule!