Anatomy of a Kenyan Politician

It is that time in the political calendar when ‘seasoned’ politicians, upcoming politicians, and all sorts of political ‘wannabes’ come out of hiding. They all have well lined pockets and mouths oozing sweet promises. The unsure ones are timid and careful with their words. Those who think they have the electorate in their ‘pockets’ are careless with their mouths. They go about insulting all and sundry with abandon. They feel invincible and sadly, many of them will make it back to whichever office they want to occupy. I guess there is something about confident politicians that endears them to voters irrespective of how they treat them.

I have observed several traits of politicians in Kenya. Each of them seems to possess at least two or more of them. Please remember that this is not based on a scientific study. It is based on the usual observations and ramblings of a Layman.

(Un)Healthy Appetite

Politicians have two-fold appetites. They can eat unusual amounts of food. They can also amass unreasonably high wealth from unscrupulous sources and deals. These appetites keep politicians awake when the rest of us are lost in slumber land.

Mpango wa Kando (Clandestine Liaisons)

It is not news when we hear of this or that politician being exposed for having more than one wife or several girlfriends. Apparently, this trait is not restricted to male politicians. A funny story is told of a popular female politician whose husband would plead with the wife’s lover (who was also a politician) to let her come home even if it was just for a weekend.

Private Developer

It is said that one of the reasons the Member of County Assembly (MCA)’s position is so attractive is because of the ‘opportunities’ it provides. These are the people who will degazzette all sorts of public land and allocate it to themselves. The newly acquired land will then be developed with premier apartments and gated communities. They will also provide space for malls and all-star hotels. These developments will further require surrounding land (whoever it belongs to) so as to provide space for parking lots required for such developments.

Hope in Miracles

When an ‘ordinary’ person decides to venture into politics, he is the only one who thinks he has any chance of making it. Relatives and friends will either have to support his unreasonable foray into leadership or run the risk of getting disowned. Threats of getting ignored by him once he gets into power helps to keep his detractors in check.

Lecherous Side-Kicks

One of the most obvious indicators of a politician is the presence of myriad hangers-on wherever he goes. You can tell which house or compound he is in just by observing the idlers buzzing around the area like flies. These side-kicks are multi-talented. They serve as ego-boosters, security agents, public relations officers, and political advisers. They in turn benefit from the occasional free meal and lessons in how to become future politicians.

Tribal Kingpin

A politician is the automatic defacto leader and defender of his community. All he does is on behalf and for the benefit of his roots. Any attack on him is never personal. It will be construed to be an attack on his tribe all the way from their ancestors to the present and future generations.

Eye on Others’ Failure

Any Kenyan politician worth his salt must be able to observe, study, and articulate his fellow politicians’ failures. He is interested in showing what he has done in the same way he wants to prove how inadequate and unqualified his competitors are. When he has nothing to show for all his opportunities, he can dedicate 100% of his time bashing others.

Attention Seeker

It is said that in politics, there is nothing like bad publicity. Any form of attention accorded a politician is welcome. It is for this reason that any politician who has had a loose tongue is rather popular.  Appearing in the news is so important that some have been known to pay journalists to ensure it happens. In this era of social media, politicians have spent good money to hire the best web designers to ensure that their digital footprint is felt loud and clear. After all, a politician craves your attention and lives for it.