Tribute to our Loving Dad

Dad, who could love us more that you?

Who could be as selfless as you?

Oh, who could hug as warmly as you?

Only you Dad

Only you who did not care who was watching

 

Dad, who could measure up to your humility?

Who could come down to our level?

Oh, who could be so firm yet so kind?

Only you Dad,

Only you did not care about what you owned

 

Dad, who could be as patient with us as you?

Who could answer all the myriad funny questions?

Who could stop a car that many times for potty break?

Only you Dad

Only you who was never tired of us

 

Dad, who could muster that much attention?

Who could listen that attentively to all our childhood chatter?

Who could take everything that seriously from us?

Only you Dad,

Only you who gave us your undivided attention

 

Dad, who could make us laugh the way you did?

Who could work a joke the way you did?

Who could have such a humorous way of looking at everything?

Only you Dad

Only you who could make us laugh at ourselves

 

Dad, who could teach as well as you?

Who could break down information for young minds like you did?

Who could make the most complex concepts look easy?

Only you Dad

Only you who taught us the power of saving

 

Dad, who can describe you on a piece of paper?

Who can mention every sweet thing you ever did or said?

Who can explain you, an enigma?

Only you Dad

Only you who was more than a father to us, you who was and always will be our best friend

We can’t say a true good bye, because you will always live in our hearts.

 

Joining the “Walking Class”

As I reported last week, I am back in the city. I am now working as a driver which is why I had a bone to pick with arrogant pedestrians. Today am not complaining because I feel much better after getting it off my chest. I am enjoying my time in the city and this time, I have decided not to stay in the village. I have settled down among the real Kenyans.

For those who are curious as to the abode of the Layman, I will share on condition that you don’t start stalking me. I board matatu or bus number 46 which goes to Kawangare. I do not go up to Kawangare itself. I alight at a bus stop known as Amboseli road because that is the road I take to go to my house. Amboseli road is lined on both sides by posh houses with spacious compounds and mature gardens. It is what you would correctly refer to as a leafy suburb.

As you can now tell, my neighbours on Amboseli road are well to do. You can tell this by the nice cars they drive (the kind with factory-tinted windows and electric sunroofs). You can also tell by the well-fed guards who open the gates. Now before you start congratulating me on my newfound affluence, I don’t live on this part of Amboseli road. The first one kilometre is tarmacked and that is the part I have just described.

Amboseli road continues long after the tarmac ends. It is this part where the Layman has his den. It is not tarmacked and in the few days I have been there, I have experienced suffocating dust and slippery mud. You can count the number of trees in this area but you can’t count any flowers because there are none. We are practical people. We only grow what we need. Whenever you hear about the people of Amboseli road, be assured this is the group being discussed.

I know I have described the bus number you need to take to reach Amboseli road. However, a lot of my neigbours (myself included) rarely take the bus. We take “route 11” (which is another Kenyan name for walking). When my rich Amboseli road neighbours walk, they do it in their ‘Nike’ walking shoes and designer track suits. They do it in a leisurely fashion and pace, probably as a result of threats by their personal physicians.

When people from my side of Amboseli road walk, we do it purposefully. We have no special attire so we do it in our work clothes. We also don’t walk at a leisurely pace because that would mean getting late for work. We walk purposefully like soldiers in a marching drill. We don’t know each other so we don’t talk. We take one direction in the morning and the opposite one in the evening. We walk at the same speed so there is usually no need for overtaking. We are happy because we have a job even though we can’t always afford fare in one of the dingy No. 46 matatus.

I live in a plot with at least 200 single rooms on three levels; in several haphazardly arranged blocks. I don’t know anybody yet but I have observed single people, and families with children living in the 11 foot square rooms. My immediate neighbour on one side is a man with a wife and 4 young children. The room on the other side is shared by two men (I don’t know if they have families upcountry). In all the blocks, I find children playing in the narrow verandas but all is usually quiet after 8 p.m.

The working class is usually classified into white collar and blue collar. In Amboseli road however, we all belong to one class. We are the “Walking Class”. We are also the true working class because you will need us to drive your car, do your dishes, walk your dog, and guard you while you sleep. You will also need us to take care of your baby as you go out to make that money that we all need so much. I know Marslow will probably disagree with me when I say that it is us who have achieved self-actualisation but this is the truth. If the happy moments I hear through the wall as the kids welcome their father home in the evening is anything to go by, then I believe I am living among the right people.

Walking Licences for Pedestrians

I am back in the big city after several years away in mashambani. I am now the true Layman in that I am having to learn everything afresh. This shamba la mawe (concrete jungle) is so different from when I roamed this city; young, wild, and free. Everything has now been changed so as to intimidate me, or so it seems. I have to consciously think of where am going because it is now easier than ever to get lost. The fact that am coming back as a driver does not help matters. I am having to learn on the job. I am a work in progress.

We don’t have to admire big roads in the movies. The movies have come to us, in the form of super highways and bypasses in the places where there used to be footpaths back in the day. While I could always brag about my knowledge in how to read traffic lights to my fellow Laymen in Eldoret, I have seen a new concept which I had not left in Nairobi. The traffic lights now have countdown clocks. They make me feel like an astronaut about to lift off in a rocket. The only thing remaining is to have a loud speaker reading the countdown out loud.

I am impressed by Nairobi drivers because they are very compliant with all the myriad rules. I however have a problem with pedestrians. They seem to have acquired a rare kind of confidence which borders on arrogance. Like the drivers, pedestrians also have their own lights – complete with a countdown clock. For the life of me however, I cannot tell why they don’t use them.

When you are driving, you patiently wait for the lights to go green as you quietly whisper the seconds as they countdown. Then, just as you are allowed to go, the proud Nairobi pedestrians step off the kerb and waddle onto the road with the gait of peacocks. However narrow the road is, this pack of self-righteous pedestrians will make sure that they use as much time as it takes for the lights to go red before they reach the other side. By now you are fuming and these folks on foot will sneer back at you as if to say “Utado?!” (What’s the worst you can do?).

If you ask me, someone is out to punish those who are rich enough to afford cars. What he forgets (whoever he is) is that not everyone who is driving on the road owns a car. Some of us are just employees who use the cars during the day and walk home in the evening. If you thought you are punishing a rich man, you are wrong. I am your fellow hustler. Spare a thought for poor drivers who have to accomplish their daily work quotas even with your spirit of non-cooperation on the road.

In order for me to qualify to drive a car on the road, I had to undergo lessons and pass a test. To get a driving job, I had to undergo a rigorous interview process where among other things, I had to prove that I could drive a car safely. I also have to undergo serious vetting every time a traffic policeman stops me. I therefore find it ironic that one only needs to be able to put one foot in front of another to walk in Nairobi. This is somebody who has to use the same road and follow the same rules as me who is a full professional driver. It is for this reason that I recommend a Walker’s License especially for those who intend to conduct that dangerous activity in our beautiful city.

With such a license, a proper curriculum could be developed and comprehensive training carried out before testing and issuance of a license. Random police checks could then be carried out on people arriving in Nairobi on public transport, and those deemed unqualified to walk our streets sent back home on the same matatus they came in. This would definitely increase the respect between drivers and pedestrians because it would be a case of one professional beholding another. There would be less accidents involving pedestrians and definitely less traffic jams. Walking would cease to be the most dangerous form of transport. But then, that’s just me; and am only a Layman!

P.S. Did you know that (theoretically at least) you could have set off the gridlock traffic jam during your lunch break that will delay your reaching home in the evening? It is all to do with your running the pedestrians’ red light just outside your office.

 

Junk Food should be Categorised as a Narcotic

A narcotic is defined as a drug or other substance affecting mood or behaviour and sold for non-medical purposes, especially an illegal one. I know from the definition that most of you are almost signing out because you don't think your beloved junk food should appear in the same sentence as drugs. Before you go, I beg that you hear me out so that you may make an informed decision.

Junk food is defined as food of low nutritional value that is typically produced in the form of packaged snacks needing little or no preparation. From the definition, it sounds very innocent. However, once you get to know the effects of junk food on your body, you will realise it's not as safe as it sounds.

Processed Food
Almost all food getting to our tables today is processed in some way. People no longer go to their kitchen garden to get their fresh produce. Instead, they visit the supermarket where they get even their vegetables pre-packed. Grain food such as maize and wheat is rarely sold in it's basic unprocessed form. Most is shelled and fine-ground with most of the components removed, save for the starchy part. This means that even your beloved ugali or chapatti is highly processed even before you cook it.

Addictive Designer Food
I have seen the labels on potato crisps packets. They use such words as "perfectly salted" or, "one is never enough". This means that someone has sat down and designed the food all the way from the way it tastes, to the way it "melts" in your mouth. You will never forget the first bite. Once you eat this food, you are "hooked" for life. You will always find yourself craving for more and you will never have enough of it.

Negative Health Effects of Junk Food
I will not be saying anything new if I talk about the profound negative effects of junk food. The only reason I have for repeating the lesson is the apparent ignorance of most people on what their eating habits are doing to them.

Obesity is on the rise due to an increased intake of junk food. It is unfortunate that this is afflicting even young children who are often weaned on a diet of junk food. Obesity by itself would not be so bad if it didn't come with so many other health implications. The main ones that come to mind are hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and joint problems.

High cholesterol levels may not always be connected to obesity but are closely connected. An intake of foods high in cholesterol (especially bad cholesterol, found in junk food), leads to a build-up of the same with the accompanying problems such as constricted arteries.

Extensive Advertisement
It is now illegal to advertise cigarettes due to the harm they cause to users' health. Narcotic drugs are illegal and so even the issue of advertising does not arise. There are calls to ban the advertisement of alcohol. The advertisement of junk food however, continues unabated. This is in spite of the strain they are putting on health services in managing the resultant conditions from their use.

Call to Re-Categorise Junk Food
I think that junk food causes the same (if not more) harm as drugs. I therefore think something should be done to discourage people from eating it. If that is not possible, then it should be taken in moderation (like a controlled drug). If this is not done, we are going to have a health crisis. That is my take, but then, am just a Layman. Who takes me seriously?
 

Drawing Resolute Resolutions

We are down to the last day of the year. It is the time when most normal people make New Year’s resolutions. It is also a time when people remember the resolutions they made in years past that either did not live to see the light of day, or never made it through January. I realise that despite the high failure rate of resolutions, nobody ever sets out purposely to fail. I have therefore come up with the Layman’s guide to making the resolution that is guaranteed to work.

Write it Down

For those among you who detest writing, this may sound like an unpleasant and non-beneficial chore. However, this is the first step to ensuring that your resolution is successful. By writing, I don’t mean the fluffy and superfluous way that the Layman writes. It should be just a brief outline of the achievements you want to accomplish in the New Year. A good resolution can be written down effectively in less than 50 words. It should contain mainly the expected result and not necessarily a word by word process of how to achieve it. So, don’t be vague, put it on the page!

Say it out Loudly

Saying what you intend to do does not need to be a freak show with a shocked audience. It just requires you to form the words in your mouth of what you expect to achieve. There is power in the tongue and you can just say the words in the comfort and privacy of your own room. The only person who needs to hear those words is you so go ahead and perform the soliloquy.

For Posterity

Successful resolutions are usually intended for permanent lifestyle change. Inasmuch as we make resolutions to conform to the year at hand, we should be ready to make a life-long commitment. There is no point in making a resolution that is not resolute only to break it later and go back to your old ways. It weakens your self-esteem and compromises your credibility.

Daily Activity

However complex a resolution is, it has to be broken to a daily activity for it to be practical. There is no point in saying you are going to lose weight unless you identify the daily changes in diet and activity needed to achieve your goal. Just as a big chunk of ugali is eaten by breaking it into small bites, so is the most difficult resolution conquered by breaking it down into manageable daily pieces.

Not Restricted to Calendar Year

Who said that a resolution has to run from January to December? You should not feel under pressure to make a New Year’s resolution on the 1^st of January or forever be condemned. There is nothing magical about January to dictate that all resolutions should be made then. You can never be time-barred in making a resolution. It can start in any month and on any date. Don’t fret if you have not declared yours by tomorrow. Take your time and start whenever you are ready to see it through to the end.

It’s Okay to Slip-Up

Most people break their resolutions on the first instant that they slip up. This is wrong. You need to know that there are bound to be many failures on the path to succeeding in your resolution. The trick is to learn from the mistake and soldier on however discouraged you may feel. You can even restate your resolution in order to garner enough passion to trudge on even in the face of discouragement from none other than yourself.

Not Important to Announce to All and Sundry

Most people feel the need to tell friends or family of their intended resolutions. While this may help in some instances where one needs and accountability partner, it is often the reason why many fail in their resolutions. Only a few people will understand your resolution and help you in its pursuit. The vast majority will not be in position to help and even if they are, will not be willing to do so. Only tell those whose help you need in achieving your objective.

Consider the Stake Holders

Whenever you resolve to do something, it is important to consider how it will affect those close to you. If, for example, you resolve to finish your degree within the New Year, you need to think about how less time with your family will affect your children. A good resolution therefore, must not compromise those things that are important in your life unless the expected result will be worth the sacrifice.

So there you have it, fellow Laymen. Go out and make good resolutions for the New Year.

Analogy of Fear

If you knew me when I was young, you would think I was switched for somebody else in later years. I used to suffer from an extreme case of glossophobia which is the fear of speaking in public or trying to speak. If I had not been cured of this fear, I would not be the Layman you have come to know who can speak his mind without fear.

Fear is not a good thing because it makes people lead mediocre lives. Some of you might assume that you don’t fear anything but you are wrong. You only think you have no fear because you have no idea how ridiculously many forms of fear there are in the world today. There are literally hundreds of fears but I have tried to sample a few just to show you how much you have to fear.

Like I have mentioned here before, whereas most fears are acquired, a few are inborn. One of these is acousticophobia which is the fear of noise. I am sure none of you is completely comfortable with noise unless you are the one making it.

Of late, sexual abuse is on the rise and it has reached crisis levels. Nobody seems to be safe from the vice and it is justifiable to be afraid. Almost all of us therefore suffer from agraphobia, which is the fear of sexual abuse.

I am made to understand that the majority of women would like to get married. They suffer from anuptaphobia or the fear of staying single. Overcoming this fear is however complicated by androphobia. Androphobia is the fear of men and it makes it practically impossible for these anuptaphobic women to change their ‘fearful’ status.

Gravity is good for us because it helps to keep us on the ground. It makes rivers flow downstream and ensures that the water we are pouring from a jug makes it into the glass. If you know some rudimentary science like the layman, then you understand that gravity makes the world go round. I cannot therefore understand why anybody would suffer from barophobia – the fear of gravity.

All normal women suffer from cacophobia; the fear of ugliness. This is probably the reason why many of them will do anything to look beautiful by using all sorts of products and, for those who can afford it, going under the surgeon’s knife to try and improve their aesthetic value. Unfortunately for these women, many of whom do it for the benefit of potential mates; many men suffer from caligynerphobia, or the fear of beautiful women.

If it were possible, there is one fear that the government should encourage. It would be a big stride in public health if more men suffered from cypridophobia, the fear of prostitutes and venereal diseases. With our discouraging statistics on HIV infection, there is no telling how much usefulness this particular fear can achieve.

Next time we go for elections, we should vote out any leader suffering from decidophobia, the fear of making decisions. It will also be helpful for us to appreciate our melanin endowment as a race because we are incapable of developing ereuthrophobia – the fear of blushing. Even the recent bashing of those of us who put the French flag on our faces in mourning with terror victims, would have been avoided if less people suffered from francophobia; the fear of France and French culture.

What has come to be defined today as the fear of commitment is actually gamophobia. Gamophobia is the fear of marriage and people suffering from it will live together, have children, and invest in joint ventures, while avoiding walking down the aisle like it’s the plague.

Our country is largely Christian and as such, many Christians pride themselves in reading the bible and interpreting the prophesies therein. A lot of people concur that we are living in the last days. Much of the information in the bible is encoded in numbers but no other number inspires as much fear as 666. Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the fear of the number 666.

If you have read this far, then you can take comfort in knowing that you don’t suffer from hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia. Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

The culture of playing the blame game in all sectors of society from government to families points to a new problem in the world today. Many people are exhibiting symptoms of hypengyophobia – the fear of responsibility. People with this kind of fear will never take responsibility for their words or actions.

 
What do you fear?